There is risk in sharing private thoughts and struggles. But I’m learning that at this stage of my life, I have opportunity to help others avoid some of the trouble I’ve experienced. But I can’t encourage anyone through their struggles if I don’t make myself vulnerable and share some of the stuff I’ve endured (or am enduring). So I’m sharing a private journal entry from the summer of 2018 that I find still relevant today. I hope it encourages you as it does me. Press on friends!
Lord Jesus I know you are with me. Your Spirit lives in me. I am the home of your Spirit. My body is your dwelling place – your temple. And what is the condition of this temple? At the very least it is under construction. There is drastic renovation going on and it is messy and slow. In fact, most would probably have fired the contractor for how slow and messy the work is going. Like an old house, I am finding the further I get into the work, the more stuff I find that needs fixed, updated, or replaced. Some parts of me need rebuilt from the studs, some parts need complete demo, while other parts, thankfully, need more of a refresh or cosmetic tune up. At times I become frustrated and discouraged by the mess.
Why do I still wrestle with old habits I’ve turned from?
Why are the old temptations still with me when I renovated that part already?
I must remember the process and the goal. You are the goal Lord Jesus. To be more like you. You are perfect in every way and I am not. I will never be perfect this side of heaven. My job is to press on toward the goal that you have called me to. To realize it is a lifelong work that will never be finished until my last breath. And to remember to give myself some grace for the mess along the way because You do.
You O Lord give me your amazing grace in the midst of my mess and failure. You love me just the same. The condition of my renovation does not change your complete and perfect love for me as your child. There is no one like you Lord. You alone are worthy to be praised. Perhaps it will be easier for me to handle my renovation if I focus on You instead of the mess – the project of me. Lord, let me remember to “seek you first and all these things will be added to me.” Thank you Lord for your great love! May I see others and me the way you do!
My daily journal is written to Jesus. It’s a way I meet with him to share my thoughts, feelings, concerns, and blessings. It clarifies my thinking, and helps to center me in a proper mindset for the day. The writing is raw, unedited, and likely filled with grammar errors because my thoughts don’t follow rules and I’m OK with that. I testify that such daily writing is among the healthiest habits I have. I record this entry here for my own benefit to encourage me in my journey, and I hope that somehow it can encourage you as well. You are not alone in your troubles, friend. Your renovation is messy too, and that’s OK. Your pain and struggles have a purpose – to help you grow, to draw you closer to God, and to share your experience to help others.
Team Quadzilla 