Category: Family

Family

Great Marriage Or A Great Wife?

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My wife and I could destroy one another if we wanted to. Yep, that’s exactly what I said. Even though I am a marriage coach, author of a marriage book, marriage speaker, and a pastor, we could easily focus on the past, nitpick our idiosyncrasies, and wake up each morning with a load of case files against the other. However, there are a few aspects about our marriage that keep us from doing so.

A lack of forgiveness toward one another would be hypocritical

Ephesians tells us to forgive one another “just as in Christ God forgave you”. If we desire forgiveness from God yet are unwilling to forgive one another, then we are hypocritical at best.

I probably have a great wife rather than a great marriage

To be honest, I am a high maintenance husband. I know many would think differently after reading my marriage book or hearing me speak on marriage, but, if the truth be told, we probably have a great marriage more because she is a great wife rather than the other way around.

Of course, my wife stands her ground with a quiet strength, and we are never to abuse the fact that the other is a forgiving person. But, at the end of the day, I am certain that we have a better marriage more because our love covers our sins rather than fills the other’s cup. 

I know some would like to think that we have a great marriage because we meet a certain ideal or standard in the other’s eyes, but we are frail at best. That is, my wife and I are sometimes short with one another, we both say things we shouldn’t, and we sometimes overlook the other person’s needs. However, we have found that good lovers are great lovers, and to look for something other than that would mean that we are already in Heaven.

We live our problems out

We believe in communication, and, for some couples, conversation is all-important. But, in our case, actions speak way louder than words. In fact, early in marriage, the more we tried to clarify our points, the worse our conversation went. For us, the greater need was to build up a bank account of credibility through our actions which always paved the way for smoother communication. We deal with this in chapter 4 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.

We have a realistic view of marriage

I have never heard music playing in the background when my wife walks into a room. Problems are rarely solved in 90 minutes or less. Many a time, our heads spin not out of elation for one another, but out of frustration. But, at the end of the day, we are together, hand in hand, and closer because of our problems rather than in spite of them.

My wife and I are not just lovers, we are fighters in a common Holy War. Sometimes, we win. On many occasions, we feel a sense of loss. Some call this drudgery. We call it reality. God calls it marriage.

Order our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.

Entire article written by: Dr. Raymond Force currently serves as a pastor of the Crossroads Bible Church in Ocala, FL which is a Biblically based church in the Central Florida area. Having served in a number of churches throughout his ministry, Dr. Force pulls from his experience as a pastor and a youth pastor to help others to overcome difficulties in their lives and relationships. You can order his marriage book,  How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another from his website at https://hittinghomeordermaterials.com/storefront

Family

Bad Marriage or Just a Faulty Belief System in the Marriage?

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You may think that you are just an impatient spouse. However, it could be that impatience is only a secondary issue. Your real problem may lie in other areas.

A Futile Approach

Many feel that the answer for their marriage problems is to just work harder at showing more patience. I actually find this to be a rather futile approach.

It is like someone that is trying to lose weight simply working at staying away from food. It hardly ever works. The real need is to change their outlook on food and themselves. Once this occurs, they will have an easier time losing weight. I should know. I took off about 30 pounds last year.

In the same manner, the problem with many is not a lack of patience as much as a lack of understanding as to what works in a relationship. That is, many have a faulty belief system about marriage that leads to a dead end path of anger, fighting, and hurt feelings. The real problem is not so much the anger they feel at the end of this dead end path as much as it is the path they chose in the first place.

Most people are actually fairly patient with their belief system until they see that it fails. Once they see it fail over and over again, they succumb to their last resort: anger, frustration, or apathy. 

Below are a few faulty belief systems that often prevail in people’s minds and hearts in regards to marriage and relationships:

Believing that Knowledge Alone is Enough

I hear spouses say all the time, “I know what to do. I just need to do it.” Maybe what they should really be saying is, “I know what to do. I just lack the power to do it.”

In our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, I wrote:

Herein, by the way, lies the fundamental difference between psychology and true Christianity: psychology can sometimes tell you the right things to do, but only Christianity can give you the power to put those things into practice.

-Dr. Force

As a man or a woman, maybe you should give up on will-power as few seem to be able to master it. Maybe you should try the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit (Psalm 34:8).

Without the Holy Spirit, your marriage is a car without an engine, and you will find that you can only push it so far. At some point, you will either give up, give in, or start using some faulty type of fuel that will do more harm than good in the long run.

Your breath is already in God’s hands (Job 12:10), He gives you your every morsel of food (Acts 14:17), God is acquainted with every hair on your head (Matthew 10:30), and He made every ounce of you (Psalm 139:14). That being the case, you might as well give Him your heart and submit your behavior to His will. Without Him, your marriage will always be incomplete in some form or fashion.

Failing to Realize that Your Spouse is a Spirit Being

If you are going to affect your spouse for good, then you will have to affect their spirit above all else.

We are not body, soul, and then spirit. We are spirit, soul, and, last of all, body.

Check out I Thessalonians 5:23. When God lists the 3 parts of man, He states that we are spirit, soul, and then body. This is because your physical body is simply a house or a dwelling place (II Corinthians 5:1). The real you is your spirit and soul.

Proverbs 18:19 tells us that the entry point into a person’s being is their spirit. That is, once someone’s spirit is closed, the rest of their being is closed also. Consequently, if a husband or a wife has tried ever so hard to get their point across without opening their spouse’s spirit, then they will eventually become extremely frustrated. This is because we can never expect to reach someone’s mind without first opening their spirit.

We cover this in detail in chapter 4 of our marriage book. In fact, it is one of our main teachings that is saving marriages through our coaching services and resources.

Self-Centered Intentions

I find that Americans are increasingly struggling with adulthood. In fact, it seems that a good many of us really do not like being adults.

A major part of adulthood is serving others without expecting anything in return. It just comes with the territory.

I find that using people, acts of kindness, or even scriptural teachings as an end to our own means is utterly childlike. Furthermore, your spouse is probably the greatest psychologist you know, and if you wonder why they do not do backflips because you made them breakfast or showed them affection, it could be that they feel you are keeping score.

If your spouse views everything you do as a way to get to the bedroom or their wallet, they will resist even the kindest acts. To put it bluntly, you will be too stuck on yourself to see that your spirit of expectancy pushes them further away than your works pull them toward you.

Entire article written by: Dr. Raymond Force currently serves as a pastor of the Crossroads Bible Church in Ocala, FL which is a Biblically based church in the Central Florida area. Having served in a number of churches throughout his ministry, Dr. Force pulls from his experience as a pastor and a youth pastor to help others to overcome difficulties in their lives and relationships. You can order his marriage book,  How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another from his website at https://hittinghomeordermaterials.com/storefront

Family

You Only Live Forever – How This Affects Marriage

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I often hear from spouses in troubled marriages say things like, “You only live once. If I don’t jump ship now. How much time will I have to start all over and enjoy a good marriage.”

The problem, however, is that, if we are in Christ, the premise to the aforementioned logic is skewed at best. In fact, I have a different take on life. That is, because I am going to live forever in Christ, I can actually find the strength and the perspective to do any or all of the following:

I Can Patiently Endure Sufferings

Love is painful at times. In fact, I would even take that a little further and say that until we stretch, sacrifice, or even hurt for the cause of a relationship, have we really shown that we are able to love someone in a Biblical fashion? Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he said,

“

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”

John 15:13

Jesus also said in Matthew 5:46, “. . . if you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?” In other words, anyone can be nice when others are nice toward them. However, Christian love moves beyond simply liking those that like us. Christian love is measured by our ability to love even when it hurts our heart to do so.

I Can Better Deal With Imperfections Around Me

Because I have believed on Christ, the best is always yet to come. However, if you feel that this measly 70 years is all there is to life, then you will have to extract absolutely everything you can out of this life in order to have some level of satisfaction in your spirit.

Though I believe in working as hard as I can in my marriage, ministry, and businesses, nothing in this world will compare to the glory in the next. (Romans 8:18) Consequently, at little imperfection here and a little there is not as big of a deal as it would be to someone that only sees life through the lens of time.

Problems Look Smaller

Have you ever considered the substance of many of your arguments with your spouse? May I ask a question? What are the subject matters of your arguments with your spouse going to matter 1,000,000 years from now if you have believed on Christ?

No further explanation needed.

God Has My Back

If someone does me wrong in my family, I don’t have to retaliate. God has my back.

I love Romans 8:33. It states:

Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. -Romans 8:33

Simply put, I don’t have to defend, triangulate, over-explain, et cetera. Truth rises to the surface either now or in eternity, but, rest assured, the God of Heaven will reward rightly.

Entire article written by: Dr. Raymond Force currently serves as a pastor of the Crossroads Bible Church in Ocala, FL which is a Biblically based church in the Central Florida area. Having served in a number of churches throughout his ministry, Dr. Force pulls from his experience as a pastor and a youth pastor to help others to overcome difficulties in their lives and relationships. You can order his marriage book,  How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another from his website at https://hittinghomeordermaterials.com/storefront

Family

What Does A Healthy Marriage Look Like?

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A healthy marriage has tension. But, this does not mean that the divorce word is thrown around every time there is a time as such.

A good relationship still requires forgiveness and involves emotional pain. Yes, this is what it looks like to live in harmony.

Spouses that find themselves in favor with God and one another have days when their spirits fail to connect. Spouses in such a state will do well to go to bed in faith knowing that a new day often provides a new fresh approach to God and one another. Yes, this is what it looks like.

Sometimes, busyness causes couples to grow apart, and a conscious effort has to be made to adjust the schedule and take oversight. This is what a good relationship looks like.

There are times when feelings from the past will rise to the surface, and a couple has to learn to act according to principle rather than the emotions of the present in order to cause those feelings to subside. This is normal. We have a flesh and a spirit, and just because those feelings are sometimes present does not mean that all is lost. It means that the scriptures are more than accurate when they state that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

It may be possible that your marriage is what I call imperfectly normal, and as you continue your quest toward a more unified relationship, accept that we are not in heaven yet. We are still very imperfect beings that can enjoy a good marriage by showing perfect forgiveness toward one another.

Some may want a little more than I am offering. However, be sure not to look for something in life that does not exist. You will waste away your life passing up the good while looking for something that is great, not realizing that good is great until we enter into a state of perfection.

Entire article written by: Dr. Raymond Force currently serves as a pastor of the Crossroads Bible Church in Ocala, FL which is a Biblically based church in the Central Florida area. Having served in a number of churches throughout his ministry, Dr. Force pulls from his experience as a pastor and a youth pastor to help others to overcome difficulties in their lives and relationships. You can order his marriage book,  How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another from his website at https://hittinghomeordermaterials.com/storefront

faith, Family

Courage | Letter to My Son

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I’m sharing a series of “letters” originally written by Vince Miller. I regard Vince as a trusted resource for wisdom and insight on faith and family especially as it pertains to men and fathers. His bio is at the bottom of the post. Look him up. What follows is his work entirely. Vince communicates the messages I want my son to hear in a far more clear and concise way than I could ever say. Consider using these as conversation starters. I encourage you to share these letters with the important men in your life.

Manly courage may not be what you think it is. This type of courage demonstrates real maturity as a man. A lot of men discover the power of this courage late in life. I thought it would be good to share with you this type of rare courage now, so you can practice while you are young. It will serve you well.

David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”

— 2 Samuel 12:13

It was King David who made this confession. He was one of the prominent leaders of the Old Testament. And one of the attributes we remember about David was his courage. But David is remembered for this not just because of his courage in his battles with others, but even more because he was willing to battle with himself.

You see, men are made courageous by God. But courage is a result of being confronted with a challenge. Often this challenge exposes weakness and forces a man to come face-to-face with himself and his insecurities.

In the text I just read, Nathan confronted David about his sexual sin with a woman named Bathsheba and attempted to conceal the sin by murdering her husband, Uriah. It was a sin that he tried hard to conceal, which was now revealed. Busted by God, David confesses his sin to the only one he sinned against, which was God. And while David could have continued to hide from God by deflecting, denying, or blaming, he knew that hiding was not an option. So David takes a challenging and courageous step by confessing his sin.

I believe the greatest of men are willing to confess their mistakes. They are willing to verbalize what they have done wrong and have the security to admit it in their relationship with Christ. They courageously come out from behind, deflecting, denying, blaming, and concealing by revealing all they are to a God who already knows who they are. Thus confession is defined as “agreeing with God about who he already knows we are.” So in confession to God, we are not revealing something he doesn’t know. We are demonstrating in confession that we know that God knows. And this requires courage.

But this type of courage is only born in the willingness first to confess sin to God. You see, godly men who are courageous are not courageous by their own strength because they know that strength comes from God through their weakness. Courageous men trust in God’s strength to work through their weaknesses which spills over into other aspects of their life — like their leadership. Now it may look to the world like human strength mustered from courage, but it is not. It is a strength that comes from complete trust in God, who works through us.

For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

— Romans 7:18-20

I love these words from the apostle Paul primarily because they make me feel normal. One of the most prominent early leaders, Paul, declares he was no different from you or me. He was a sinner saved by grace who daily struggled with sin. Just like I do. And just like you do.

Sometimes I think that we wrongly believe there are Christians out there who don’t struggle with sin. Maybe because many Christians are good at concealing their struggles with sin. But it’s sin that brings us together. And it’s grace that brings us to God. While it sounds counterintuitive, our battle with sin creates a connection with other believers who also struggle with sin. This is because everyone sins. Now we might all sin a little differently, but we still all sin. And in a way, we are connected because of this. Don’t believe me? Then attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting sometime and listen to how sin has brought these people together. You will hear story after story of men and women trying to figure out how to battle the war with their sin — together. And their mutual weaknesses manifested differently give comfort to each other. And together, they seek support and solutions, which are only found in God.

So given this, here is something for you to think about. Maybe an advantage that I can pass on to you. It comes from James, the half-brother of Jesus. He said:

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

— James 5:16

Over the years, I have underestimated the power of confessing my weaknesses and sin. Confession is something courageous men do. And when confession is done in brotherhood and immersed with prayer, notice the outcomes that James says proceed — power and healing.

This is why I was taken aback by your confession this last week. Strangely at that moment, I was reminded of all my failings in leadership. Leadership mistakes I made in high school, college, and even early in my career. For a few seconds, your confession connected me to you emotionally and spiritually. Yet, at the same time, it compelled me to encourage you to keep confessing — to stay in that place of great strength. So son, keep acknowledging your weaknesses and confessing your sin. Only the greatest of men and leaders do this. Because every time you make one of these confessions to me, your courage connects me to you and compels me to confess my heart and to give you guidance that will help you overcome the challenges you are facing.
Great job, son. I love you, Dad.