faith, Family

Love Women | Letters To My Son

I’m sharing a series of “letters” originally written by Vince Miller. I regard Vince as a trusted resource for wisdom and insight on faith and family especially as it pertains to men and fathers. His bio is at the bottom of the post. Look him up. What follows is his work entirely. Vince communicates the messages I want my son to hear in a far more clear and concise way than I could ever say. Consider using these as conversation starters. I encourage you to share these letters with the important men in your life.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”—Genesis 1:27

“Marriage is a lot of give and take. You take a lot, and you give a lot.”

—Verna Mae Baker

Son, It Seems The Times Are A-Changin’

We live in a time in our culture where it appears men and women compete with each other. In this battle for equality and preserving the masculine and feminine identity, it seems there is an attack on old customs. Former “gentlemanly traditions” are now brought into question as if their motivation was to force women to become our subjects in the home, marriage, marketplace, and the church. While this could long be debated, including the underlying motivations and resultant issues, it’s had an impact on what it means to be a man and how to best cherish and honor women. I would say it has made relationships more tricky to navigate. Some men are skittish, and others ignore it—but the world is not skittish and refuse to ignore it. Popular media throws out words that even I have to look up—like “misogyny” and “misandry.” Colleges now subject incoming students to pronouns about gender and sexual identity that inherently have a double meaning—like “cisgender.” And I wonder if this is creating more clarity for anyone, or just adding to the confusion. On our quest for understanding, could we be frustrating ourselves?

Maybe this is partly our fault as men. The unintended consequences of not living out the character of Christ might be catching up with us. Our misuse of power, objectification of beauty, locker-room lingo, misunderstanding of submission, and poor treatment might have created the perfect storm in our time. The sad part is that it calls into question all that was good about gentlemen behaviors like provision, protection, roles, and manners that had long-standing masculine charm. Our culture is trying at hyperspeed to redefine masculinity, but this does not change God’s plan for manhood.

So how can we best love the women of our life?

Eight Principles For Female Relationships

One | Be A Strong Gentlemen

“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”—1 Peter 3:7

Everyone gets tripped up by the “weaker vessel” part of this verse, yet why wouldn’t every woman want a strong man? But “strong” does not infer that we should use power to demand the submission of others. It means to steward our strength to “lift a heavy box” responsibly and with the understanding, we do have some common ground with women—a grace that redeems us both. Balancing this is a delicate art. Sincerely strong men know they possess a “power,” whatever that power may be, and manage it with care toward others. This is God’s obligation before us. Being strong is to know our strength and then practice it in a way that brings beauty to those who possess a different strength. I believe this is what it means to be a “gentle” man. And I want you to be this man—unashamed of your strength but not shaming others with it—especially women.

Do this:

  • Hold the door for a woman.
  • Give a thoughtful gift to a woman.
  • Wait until marriage to have sex.
  • Respect your mother or any older woman.
  • Put Godly boundaries on your interaction with women.
  • Kiss her respectfully.
  • Protect her dignity with other men.
  • Mind your manners around all women.
  • Defend and embellish women.
  • Don’t put yourself in a compromising position with a woman.

Two | Connect Emotionally With Women

“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”—Colossians 3:19

One thing I failed to learn before marriage was how to connect emotionally. Due to the emotional damage in my life, I was unable to discover that emotional connection was critical in marriage, relationships, and leadership. Emotional connection is a part of life, and it requires honesty, openness, and transparency. If you want a great relationship with women and marriage, then you are going to have to learn how to connect with women emotionally. This means sharing your heart with them about the things you are experiencing, not just talking about the facts, your opinions, or being ready with the next best joke.

“Harsh” men, as Paul references above, have failed to learn to connect emotionally. Contrary to popular belief, anger is not the only emotion we have as men. Many men never learn this. Angry men have not learned or been taught the strength and power of real honest, open, and transparent sharing. They have not learned to identify and address their wounds, and thus, in fits of anger express this confusion. And when we are “harsh” with women, we end up treating women as submissive subjects rather than loving them the way God would love them.

Emotional connection is vital in a relationship with women, raising children, and leading people. “Emotional Intelligence,” terminology Daniel Coleman popularized, is the ability to understand self enough that we can connect healthily with others. But this is not to be reduced to a leadership tactic—it’s an emotional ability of mature men. Women have an intuitive sense in this area and know when we are not making an emotional connection with them. And emotional connection begins with us connecting and getting real with how we feel—angry, disgusted, fearful, happy, or sad.

Do this:

  • Listen to how she is feeling.
  • Share with her how someone made you feel.
  • Listen to her struggles.
  • Share a struggle you are trying to overcome.
  • When you are confused, confess it and ask her for advice or wisdom.
  • Share something new you learned and why this was important to you.

Three | Let The Creator Determine Manhood and Womanhood

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”—Genesis 1:27

God is the Creator. We are not. He does not remain neutral on the fact that men and women are unique and beautiful and yet both made in his image. But the world is going to have a lot to say about men and women. In college, your professors and friends will have lots to say. The world will even try to define it for you. But don’t listen to the creation on Creator issues. Marketing, movements, and sensationalism cannot redefine what God has already established. It has been tried repeatedly. When you want the best answer, go to the Creator, not creation—their opinions and ideas don’t matter. The designer, in this case, is God. He has the best purpose, plan, and payoff. And the significant part is that he has given us the best model—Jesus Christ.

Remember:

  • God has the best plan for man.
  • God has the best plan for women.
  • God has the best plan for marriage.
  • God has the best plan for a family.
  • God is the truth; when you have questions, go to the truth.

Four | Learn How To Love & Sacrifice For Women

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”—Ephesians 5:25

My grandmother used to say, “Marriage is a lot of give and take. You take a lot, and you give a lot.” And her point is well taken. Nothing is more humbling than discovering there is no end to the need to cherish and sacrifice. There is no line, no boundary, and no limit. We take and give endlessly. But personally absorbing and acting in the beauty in this is difficult. Women are not perfect. Men are not perfect. But we can love and sacrifice in lieu of this and see perfection through it.

In those moments, I am most challenged by my wife, I still think to myself about the high responsibility I have to love and sacrifice for her. Sometimes my selfish nature says, “again?” But in the years we have been married, I have continued to fight off this broken logic. I have discovered I do still love her underneath it all—we are merely having one of our moments.

You too will have these moments—moments of deep frustration. This is sometimes a communication issue and sometimes just part of the challenge of relationships. Don’t be quick to think it’s just a woman thing. It’s a human thing. People are sinful and broken—men and women. Due to this, you are going to have to love and sacrifice in spite of the challenges. Jesus did the same. He loved and sacrificed for a people who did not love him, and he did it anyway—so should you. And this is the point of this text. Learn to love and sacrifice—anyway.

Do this:

  • As a man, love a little longer than the moment.
  • As a man, love when you don’t want to.
  • As a man, love a little longer when people tell you not to.
  • As a man, sacrifice till it hurts and discovers real love.
  • And look for a woman who will do the same.

Five | Seek A Covenant Not A Contract

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”—Genesis 2:24

Oneness is a great mystery. God wants us to enjoy it live in it. He wants us to find someone with whom you will spend the rest of your life with whom you will share sexually, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.

All I know is that we can corrupt this oneness. We have the opportunity to take and steal from this oneness even before marriage by separating them from a covenantal relationship. Don’t make this mistake. God’s covenant of marriage is not something to adulterize. Many do this thinking they will be fine, and they are not.

Many people hold a “contractional” or “transactional” view of marriage. Don’t keep this view. If it’s contractional, then it’s meant to be broken. If it’s transactional then determining your half of the contribution will lead to much debate. But understand marriage as “covenantal,” and then you will take it much more seriously—because there is a third person involved in the covenant—God. And it is God who created us for a relationship, a forever commitment when the time comes. Look for a woman who wants this kind of commitment with you and God.

Do this:

  • Identify marriages that you admire and pray for them.
  • Identify characteristics in women that you want and pray for them.
  • Identify characteristic in men that you want and pray for them.

Six | Avoid Immorality

“Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?”—Proverbs 5:20

Yeah, this is one of those points that never gets old. It’s a timeless truth. Don’t treat women this way, and don’t treat yourself this way. What more needs to be said?

Don’t do this:

  • View pornography or undress women with your mind.
  • Joke sexually about women even with others, it’s not funny.
  • Endorse the objectification of women by giving your money to entities that do.
  • Don’t support others who do any of the above.
  • Don’t be alone with an untrustworthy woman.

Seven | Find A Woman Who Cares About You & God

“An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”—Proverbs 31:10-12

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”—Proverbs 18:22

Your mom has made me a better man. Women often see us as their favorite project. And while some think this could be interpreted as overstepping and positionally arrogant—honestly, I want to be better. Daily I am challenged by her to be better, push harder, do more, serve further, love more, be more open, become more romantic. While once I used to see this as a drawback, I now view it as an advantage I have. So look for someone who will make you better—a better man, husband, father, and leader. And someone for who you can do the same.

And nothing is more important than finding someone who not only makes you better but loves God even more than you. Someone who puts Him first. A woman who is wholly subject to God. Who wants to grow in character and virtue with Him and then you. Find this woman. Settle for nothing less. I am blessed to have found it. And only now I realize that it is the great “coincidence” of my life. And why would I suggest this? Because a woman who honors God will always honor you. It sounds a little selfish, but it’s wisdom to be trusted.

Do this:

  • Pray for a woman who loves you just the way you are.
  • Pray for a woman who enjoys you—your style, humor, personality, and values.
  • Pray for a woman who loves God.
  • Pray for a woman who makes you better.

Eight | Be The Right Man & You’ll Find The Right Woman

“Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.”—1 Corinthians 16:13

Often, men and women date, hook up, or even get married because they are missing something in their lives and believe that one of these things will fill that void. While there is much to be said here, many fail to remember that Jesus is the relationship who completes us regardless of our married state. If you cannot come to a place of contentment, joy, and understanding your identity in your singleness, you will not find this in marriage. In fact, if you cannot find it now, it might complicate it further to be in a relationship or get married. Your identity is not found in a relationship or marriage because neither of these relational states takes the place of one’s identity in Christ—it only compliments it. You are a complete person in Christ, dating, married, or not. Regardless of popular opinion, your spouse will not “complete you,” Jesus is the only one that does. So be secure in who you are in Christ. Act like a man, the man that God made you be.

Do this:

  • Groom yourself.
  • Smell good.
  • Act in Godly character daily.
  • Seek a career path.
  • Work hard and play hard.
  • Have fun but don’t overdo it.

Love you, son. Dad.

After serving in notable ministry organizations for over 25 years (including Young Life, InterVarsity, TCU Football, and Eagle Brook Church), Vince founded Resolute, a non-profit organization focused on providing men with tools for discipleship and mentorship. He’s written 13 books and handbooks, along with small group videos that are resources for mentorship. He also produces THE MEN’S DAILY DEVO and the MAN TALK PODCAST. His latest book is a devotional and mentoring guide for men called THIRTY VIRTUES THAT BUILD A MAN.

Family, Personal Development

How Differences with Your Spouse Can Make Your Marriage Stronger

3 Ways to Turn Your Biggest Annoyance into Your Greatest Advantage

I hear this all the time: “My husband or wife doesn’t understand me. We are so different. We don’t really have anything in common. How can we make this work when we don’t see eye-to-eye?” In the midst of conflict, it’s easy for us to forget the real reason that opposites attract–because it’s good for us.

Think about it. If you married someone just like you, then you wouldn’t have to grow, you wouldn’t have to budge from your comfort zone, and you wouldn’t have to enter into someone else’s world—and grow yours in the process.

In the long term, differences are precisely what you need. They can add richness, depth, and texture to your marriage if you embrace them. As someone who married a woman who is very different from me, let me share three ways that we learned to navigate our differences.

1. Identify your differences

You know you are different than your spouse, but that is not enough. I am talking about more specificity. In what ways are you different? For example, Gail and I are the exact opposite on the Myers-Briggs. I am an INFJ. She is an ESTP. This means:

  • We approach the world differently. I prefer introversion; she prefers extroversion.
  • We gather information differently. I prefer intuition; she prefers sensing.
  • We make decisions differently. I prefer feeling; she prefers thinking.
  • We approach structure differently. I prefer judging; she prefers perceiving.

And that’s not the end of our differences. According to the StrengthsFinder test, we have completely different strengths. My top-five are:

  • Achiever
  • Intellection
  • Strategic
  • Futuristic
  • Relator

Gail’s top-five are:

  • Positivity
  • Woo
  • Developer
  • Connectedness
  • Adaptability

From these tests—and forty years of observing her—I know the specific ways that we are different.

2. Acknowledge your differences

It’s not enough to identify your differences and then file away what you’ve observed. No, you must acknowledge these—and celebrate them—in real time.

Let me give you a practical example. As an extrovert, Gail draws her energy from being with people. As an introvert, people can wear me out. I prefer being alone.

But because we love one another, we make sure that we help the other person get what they need. Recently, we went to a dinner party. I would have preferred to stay home and read, but I know Gail needs to connect with others to remain emotionally healthy. (And I need it too; I just don’t always recognize the need.)

On the other hand, she knows I can’t be with people every night or I will burn out. So, because she loves me, she sometimes chooses to stay home so I can recharge. (She also needs this; she just doesn’t always recognize it.)

3. Leverage your differences

Differences are not something to be resented. They are something to celebrate and be used. Think of it this way: If Gail and I were exactly the same on the Myers-Briggs results, we would only have four tools at our disposal. But since we are completely opposite, we have eight. It’s as if we have more colors on our palette with which to paint the canvas of our lives!

The real test of this is in making decisions. As a J on the Myers-Briggs, I like an orderly, structured world. I want to make decisions quickly and get them behind me. Gail is just the opposite. She doesn’t have the same need for structure. She wants to explore all the options. She prefers to have her decisions in front of her.

Left to myself, I can be impulsive, making decisions I later regret. Left to herself, Gail can procrastinate, missing opportunities she later regrets. Together, we ensure that we explore all our options but then make a decision.

Fall down, lift up

King Solomon once observed that two are, in fact, “better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”

We usually think of this in terms of friendship, but it applies equally to marriage. We have different strengths that can help hold up our partners through difficult times.

Especially in times of marital stress, it’s good to remember that you weren’t attracted to your spouse by accident. Embracing your differences can help you both to realize your God-given potential, in marriage and so much else.

Article by Michael Hyatt

faith, Family

7 Ways to Communicate Love

communicating-loveLove is the most important part of life.

We all tend to agree on that, but we can rarely seem to agree on what “love” actually means. 

Here are some of the most famous words ever written about love.

Within in them, God is giving us a timeless road map for building stronger relationships. Below are seven very simple and practical ways to put these words into action in our daily lives and our relationships.

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”  – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Here’s how we put love into practice (it’s simpler than you might think):

1. Love is patient, so in our rushed world, be patient with people.

2. Love is kind, so in our sarcastic and often rude world, show genuine kindness to people.

3. Love is not jealous or proud, so in our self-focused world, put the needs of others ahead of your own.

4. Love keeps no record of wrongs, so in our world full of grudges and bitterness, choose to offer grace.

5. Love rejoices in the truth, so in our world of dishonesty, always tell the truth and fight for trust in relationships.

6. Love never loses faith, so in our world of skeptics and cynics, choose to believe in the presence of God and the power of love.

7. Love endures through every circumstance, so in our world of quitters, stay committed and never give up on yourself or your loved ones!

 

Dave Willis of Stronger Marriages recently wrote a book called The Seven Laws of Love: Essential Principles for Building Stronger Relationships where he started by looking at everything the Bible (the ultimately love and relationship manual) has to say on the subject. He gets full credit for this article. 

faith, Fortitude, Personal Development

The Pain of Expectations

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Do you ever feel really stressed, frustrated, bitter, or just in a dumpy mood? Maybe so much so that you feel exhausted? These feelings describe the opposite of happy. And we just want to be happy, don’t we? I’m going to share something with you from my personal journal that may offend you. I have an answer to this stress & exhaustion that may surprise you. It surprised me and I wrote it. That happens to me on occasion. I believe deep insight, inspiration and encouragement come to me by simply taking the time to write. You should try it. You might be surprised at the wisdom you have locked up in your mind. I digress.

 

I believe that a major cause for our stress, exhaustion, frustration, and general unhappiness is because we blame others for our unmet expectations. We have expectations (from deep in our mind, but rarely verbalized) that others will do as we please, or as we need (expect), for surely our needs are simple and reasonable. The trouble is that we subconsciously tie the satisfaction of our expectations to our happiness. If others don’t comply, we get upset. And it’s all their fault. They must fix it (behave differently) for us to be happy. This of course, is a terrible way to live.

 

To have our mood and attitude dependent upon the actions & behavior of another must be exhausting and stressful. A sober self-assessment is required for we will never easily acknowledge this is really happening to us. The truth is, we can never control the behavior of another, but we can always control our own behavior. We are in charge of ourselves.

 

love-always-winsSo someone close to us is not behaving well according to our opinion of the matter. (Isn’t the expectation we hold more strict for those closest to us?) What are we to do? We should take the advice of Jesus. He said we are to simply love. Love always wins. Being frustrated, bitter, stressed, and exhausted will not make another’s behavior improve. But love will. Yep. #lovealwayswins

 

One of the hardest things to do is to love those who hurt us or make us upset. Jesus said we are to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. To me that means to love those who make us upset. Jesus said we are to do to others what we would have them do to us. What would happen if we really did this?

 

imagesI believe this is just like what Jesus has shown us. Jesus loves us with an incredible love, an everlasting love, a love that pursues us even when we turn away, even when we are bad. Jesus died for us because of his great love for us and so we could be with him in heaven for all eternity. There is no other way for us to get heaven than by the loving sacrifice of Jesus. His love is entirely selfless and perfect in every way. We don’t deserve his love and we can never earn his love. Our response to that love is to love Jesus in return. To obey him and know him and serve him. Not because we must earn his favor (because we already have it), but because we’re so grateful for Jesus’ love and loving him is a natural way to express gratitude.

 

In the same way, If we can REALLY love those who frustrate us like no other (aka those closest to us), if we can just love the people we expect to behave a certain way to make us happy but always fail, I believe the natural response of that person will eventually be to love us back out of gratitude for the grace, mercy and love shown them. That’s just how it works. #preachingtomyself #easiersaidthandone

 

As followers of Jesus, we are to be known by our love. We can draw others to Jesus by simply loving them. We can make our relationships better by simply loving those close to us despite their flaws and frustrations. It’s our choice. Stop waiting for others to “get it together” and just love them. I’m willing to bet that if we love others well, our frustrations will decrease and our overall happiness will increase. Love always wins.

faith, Family

Men Matter

dr.-dobson's-june-newsletter
I want to deal with what is happening to men within the culture at large.

Have you noticed that the “women’s movement,” as it is now called, has again declared all-out war on men? It is pervasive and comes in the form of ridicule, resentment, belittlement, hostility and anti-male bias. It is not a new phenomenon, of course, having begun with a vengeance in the late 60s and 70s. It was then called the “women’s liberation movement.” In the present permutation, various organizations and leftist groups are still out there teaching hate and conflict between men and women. They include Planned Parenthood and other pro-abortion groups, the mainstream media, the entertainment industry, gay and lesbian advocates, liberal universities, and a host of other leftist entities.

Several months ago, former candidate for president, Hillary Clinton, said that she lost the election because men had browbeaten their wives by insisting that they vote for her opponent, Donald Trump. Could she really be serious? Do women not have minds of their own?

The contemporary version of the war between the sexes is an effort to make men look like fools. They are depicted as immature, impulsive, selfish, weak, and not very bright. Evidence of that campaign can still be observed in almost every dimension of the culture, especially in the entertainment industry. Television commercials slam the message home night after night.

The tiresome formula involves a beautiful woman who is intelligent, sexy, admirable, self-assured and well dressed. She encounters a man who brags and blusters and says crazy things. He is ignorant, balding, and almost always overweight. The stupid guy, as I will call him, quickly disgraces himself on screen, at which point the woman sneers or walks away. There are hundreds of these ads on TV today and have been out there for many years. Watch for them on the tube. They are constantly changing, but here are some actual commercials that appeared for all the world to see.

1. The stupid guy approaches a gorgeous girl in a bar who is pouring a Heineken beer into a glass (guess what is about to happen). She smiles seductively. He is so flabbergasted by her beauty that he overflows his own glass. The announcer then calls this “a premature pour.” There is little doubt about the nasty meaning of that one.

2. The stupid guy loves driving his Acura so much that he puts lipstick all over his mouth, musses up his hair, and twists his shirt. He is trying to make his wife think he’s been with another woman, but when he gets home, she looks at him scornfully and says, “You’ve been out driving again, haven’t you?” He sighs and looks down, like a little boy caught stealing candy.

3. The stupid guy is too scared to talk to a sexy woman in a bar, so a friend writes inane notes to prompt him. He suggests to the dumb dude that he write unintelligent messages to the woman, such as, “Hi” and “How are you?” Ultimately, the girl leaves with the writer, and the stupid guy is left bewildered and alone at the bar.

4. The stupid guy is a flabby man in his forties who is standing alone in front of his bedroom mirror. He is not wearing a shirt. Then he tentatively tries on his wife’s bra. At that moment, his wife comes through the door. The cross-dresser is caught. She fails to notice the bra and asks him something about sports. Relief spreads across his face. The caption then reads, “Some questions are easier to answer than others.”

5. The stupid guy is trying to impress an attractive girl with his knowledge of professional football, but she corrects his facts at every turn. He then reminds her that he was a “guard” for the Pittsburgh Steelers. The girl says sarcastically, “Larry! You were a parking lot attendant!”

6. Three stupid guys are standing together at a cocktail party when they spot a beautiful woman in red. One of the men identifies her to the others as “the chairman’s wife, Mrs. Robinson.” (The setting recalls a Mrs. Robinson in the movie, The Graduate, who seduced actor Dustin Hoffman.) At that point, the woman sidles over to one of the men and says, “Have you ever seen something and you just knew you wanted it?” The stupid guy swallows hard and trembles. This is his big moment. Then Mrs. Robinson grabs his “Killian’s Irish Red” beer and walks away.

7. This is the most disgusting advertisement I have seen. The stupid guy is a trainer in a gym who is showing a good-looking girl how to toughen her “glutes,” referring to the muscles in her buttocks. He stands before her and begins to grunt and strain, bending slightly forward and grimacing. One wonders if there is something terrible happening in his shorts. Then he reaches behind to retrieve a walnut that he has apparently cracked with his rear end. Somehow that disgusting ad was supposed to make the viewer want to rent a car from Budget. It didn’t work for me, I assure you.

Television commercials are not the only culprit. Today’s sitcoms are downright awful. They blast away at traditional masculinity, much like wrecking balls crashing into a building scheduled for demolition. After taking many direct hits, the structure begins to crumble. As I write, there is not a single example of a healthy family depicted in a sitcom that focuses on a masculine, heterosexual guy who loves his kids and is respected by his wife. Not one!

You’ll note that the polarity of the stupid guy ads is never reversed. Not in a lifetime will viewers see a corpulent, unattractive, sloppy woman lusting after a good looking man in an ad or sitcom, who shows disdain for her as she does something embarrassingly foolish. Men, however, don’t seem to notice that the joke is on them. Perhaps they (we) have been desensitized by fifty years of male bashing.

Agencies conduct exhaustive market research before committing millions of corporate dollars to advertising programs such as these. So, what is going on here? Is it possible that men, especially male beer drinkers and sports car enthusiasts, actually like being depicted as dumb, horny, fat, nerdy, and ugly? Apparently, they do. We also have to assume that guys are not offended when they are made the butt of a thousand jokes. But why? Women would not tolerate that kind of derision.

Are you old enough to remember the sitcom, “All in the Family?” It was based on a redneck clod named Archie Bunker and his mousy wife, Edith. Humor was used to make a fool out of him, and by extension, every conservative man in the country. From there, primetime television programming has evolved into today’s fare, most of which features profane, sexually explicit cohabitants who meander through one outrageous episode after another. The lead characters are usually men with the giddy mentality of fourteen year-old boys. Hollywood writers use these programs to snuff out every vestige of male pride and crush it beyond recognition.

This leads us to ask, why does it matter? Why should we be concerned about the war between the sexes? There are two primary consequences. First, it effectively weakens the family and damages the institution of marriage. Common sense tells us that dividing the population down the middle and pitting one sex against the other couldn’t be healthy for intimate relationships. I am convinced that the war is related to the huge divorce rate in today’s world. Many women are reluctant to marry, or stay married to, sniveling men who lack the confidence to lead or care for their wives and children. That hurts everyone.

The second consequence of the war between the sexes is that it warps the minds of children. Do we not know that kids are capable of noticing that men are often made to look like fools in the wider world? They watch the sitcoms too, after all. I’m convinced that many boys and girls learn to disrespect the men in their lives. They should be taught to look up to their fathers and want to emulate them. Boys, especially, need to learn how to become men by watching strong, loving dads who take the time to mentor them. A high percentage of babies are born out of wedlock and have no masculine influence in the home. History teaches that the young and vulnerable suffer most from the ravages of war. In this case, both boys and girls have been wounded by the ricochet.

Remember that the war is not just being waged between men and woman. It is culture wide. Kathleen Parker wrote, “Today’s boys grow up in a bizarrely hostile environment. They’re told to be tough, not to cry, to be a man. It is an ironic insult in a culture that devalues men and fathers. They’re bullied by schools intolerant of boy behavior, told they’re less special than girls, and left by too-busy parents to the tutelage of peers, media, and superheroes who wreak havoc to settle scores.”

Michael Thompson, coauthor of Raising Cane, said that many women are hoping against hope that their sons won’t turn out like their husbands.

Journalist Megan Rosenfeld said that our sons are seen as politically incorrect. “[They] are universal scapegoats, the clumsy clods with smelly feet who care only about sports and mischief.”

Harvard psychologist William Pollack said women consider boys to be creatures who might “infect girls with some kind of social cooties.”

No discussion of boy-bias would be complete without addressing the discrimination against males evident in American public education. Again, William Pollack said succinctly, “It sounds terrible to say, but coeducational public schools have become the most boy-unfriendly places on earth. It may still be a man’s world. But it certainly isn’t a boy’s world.”
And finally, Christine Hoff Sommers, the most passionate and effective defender of boys, echoed these concerns in her outstanding book, The War Against Boys, How Misguided Feminism is Harming our Young Men. She says this is “a bad time to be a boy in America because of the bias against them in our educational institutions.”

In conclusion, let me acknowledge the obvious. Not all men are worthy of respect. Some are jerks. Some drink heavily and abuse their wives and children. Some are severely into pornography or are inveterate gamblers. Some waste the family’s resources. Some are lazy. Some are unfaithful and chase after other women. Some have other serious faults. I haven’t intended to make excuses in this letter for such individuals. Every situation is unique.

I can tell you this. Women often hold the keys to a man’s confidence, his willingness to work, to live a clean life, and even to influence his commitment to Jesus Christ. If you belittle and disrespect him at home, you and your children could be the losers for it.

If that is your circumstance, please don’t be offended by what I have written. But I urge you not to get carried along by the radical feminist’s universal hostility to men—all men. Their anger is not a good thing. If you join their movement, you might hurt your sons and daughters and destroy your marriage. For all the women out there whose husbands are basically good men, but perhaps they are just not good enough in your eyes, you might want to reexamine the guy you married. He could have some hidden qualities you might have overlooked. Search for the hidden virtues and see what could show up.

Even more to the point, you should never underestimate the power of prayer. My grandmother was married to a man who was not a believer. He told her to do what she wanted with their 6 kids, but to keep him out of spiritual matters. She prayed and fasted for him for more than 40 years without response. Then he became critically ill at 69 and asked his wife specifically to pray for him. He said he wasn’t afraid to die, but it was so dark. She knelt at his bedside and he gave his heart to Jesus Christ. Two weeks later, he died with a testimony on his lips. We are going to see him again on the other side. You have no idea what answers to prayer God might have in store for your wounded marriage. I have seen miracles happen many times.

Be encouraged, fathers. Your children will be impacted by your godly guidance and care if you take the time to invest in their lives. Happy Father’s Day!


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