Category: Family

faith, Family

The Genius of Pain

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Pain Concept.

Our bodies are incredible. Consider for a moment what your body does that you don’t even think about. Breathing, digestion, circulation, healing, etc. I don’t have to get all sciency to prove it. We are incredible machines. One part about our body that doesn’t seem awesome, however, is pain. No one likes pain.

Pain is a pain.

But pain serves an invaluable service. Pain tells us that something is wrong. We should pay attention.

There are lots of different kinds of pain. Obviously there is physical pain. There is also emotional/ mental pain. Pain in our mind or heart can lead to physical ailments. Think stress. Mental stress from work, strained relationships, finances, and life can do painful things to our body. Headaches, muscle tension/ soreness, digestive issues, skin irritations, and compromised immunity to name a few. These symptoms are cues to alert us that something is wrong and it needs to be addressed. This is the genius of pain.

I injured my shoulder many years ago in a mountain biking crash. Even though doctors said they couldn’t find anything really wrong with my shoulder, I had intense pain every time I tried to throw. Over the years I saw different doctors and chiropractors who could not identify what was wrong except that I should get more expensive tests and likely have surgery. Instead of pursuing surgery and relief to my pain and the limitations to my life because of the injury, I decided to put up with it. I didn’t really NEED to throw stuff, and besides, many people have far worse problems than a bum shoulder so I shouldn’t fuss over it.

I gave up. I chose to live with the pain and the limitations that came with it instead of dealing with the issue directly. We do this all the time whether we have a physical pain like my shoulder or an emotional/ mental pain of some kind. We assume, “It is what it is;” and suffer through life carrying our bags of pain and burden we were not meant to carry. The emotional burdens of stress, low-grade depression, pent up anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, etc. keep us from reaching our full potential. It doesn’t have to be like that. I want to encourage you that there is a way to relieve your pain. You are not alone.

There is hope.

If you know me at all, you will not be surprised to hear me share that my hope (and the only real solution for pain) is in Jesus. Jesus is the antidote to pain. Whether you believe it or not, God is in control of everything. We are not. Yes, there is pain in this world and in our life. Some pain lasts our entire life and it really stinks. However, since I have entrusted my life to Jesus*, I know that all pain is temporary. My life on earth is just a blink compared to eternity. Knowing with full confidence that my future will be awesome – free from all pain forever, I can endure the pain and trouble of today. And I know that Jesus is always with me and for me to help me get through whatever I’m facing.

If I didn’t believe God is in control and that he has given me all these amazing blessings as gifts for today and all eternity then my pain would be exceedingly horrible. I can have no hope. Or my hope would be foolishly misplaced in something else that could never satisfy the pain.

So here is the bottom line: Pain leads us to Jesus. Pain drives us to find relief and hope for relief of pain and true hope is Jesus. This is the genius of pain. When hope is sought in anything other than Jesus, it will leave us disappointed. The wanting and searching for hope is where addiction comes in. Chasing relief in something we can do, or take, or think, eventually gets us into big trouble. The empty “solution” provides temporary relief at best, so more and more must be done to get more temporary relief and round and round we go. Addiction. Not just drug addiction though. Addiction could be to gambling, porn, high risk activities, hoarding, work, etc. Nothing will really satisfy except Jesus.

I don’t know the pain you live with, but I do know the Great Physician. If you don’t know Jesus, I would love to chat with you about how you can know Jesus today. If you do know Jesus, I encourage you to trust him with your pain. Surrender your pain to Jesus and let him help you. Jesus is near and he knows your pain. He is for you and he is with you always and forever. I had never really thought about pain in this way before. Pretty cool, huh? You’re welcome. Press on!

*Entrusting my life to Jesus means I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I acknowledged to Jesus in prayer that I am a dreadful sinner in need of salvation to bring me into right relationship with the only holy and perfect God to whom I will give account of my life when I die. Without salvation I am condemned to eternity separated from God. Thankfully “For God so loved the world, (you and me) that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him (Jesus) shall not perish, but have eternal life.” – John 3:16 Salvation is the best gift we could ever receive, but Jesus gives us so much more. You’ll have to receive him to experience it for yourself, but I can assure you that life is way better with Jesus!

Family

A Husband Has 1 of 3 Choices

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Here’s a little food for thought from Dr. Raymond Force, Christian marriage speaker and coach. I hope it encourages and convicts you as it does me.

A Husband is a Gardener

A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:

The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.

Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.

The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.

I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negativite aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.

Colossians 3:19 says: “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”

The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the bi-product of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.

The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.

Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.

 

I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities.  When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.

I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?

Family

You’re Different and That’s Good!

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you-are-different-and-that-is-good!

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. —Ephesians 5:33

In Men are Like Waffles–Women are Like Spaghetti, Bill and Pam Farrell describe the mind of men and women.

Men Are Like Waffles

We do not mean that men “waffle” on all decisions and are generally unstable. What we mean is that men process life in boxes. If you look down at a waffle, you see a collection of boxes sepa-rated by walls. The boxes are all separate from each other and make convenient holding places. That is typically how a man processes life. [Men’s] thinking is divided up into boxes that have room for one issue and one issue only. The first issue of life goes in the first box, the second goes in the second box, and so on. The typical man lives in one box at a time and one box only. When a man is at work, he is at work. When he is in the garage tinkering around, he is in the garage tinkering. When he is watching TV, he is simply watching TV. That is why he looks as though he is in a trance and can ignore everything else going on around him. Social scientists call this “compartmentalizing”–that is, putting life and responsibilities into different compartments…

Women Are like Spaghetti

In contrast to men’s waffle-like approach, women process life more like a plate of pasta. If you look at a plate of spaghetti, you notice that there are lots of individual noodles that all touch one another. If you attempted to follow one noodle around the plate, you would intersect a lot of other noodles, and you might even switch to another noodle seamlessly. That is how women face life. Every thought and issue is connected to every other thought and issue in some way. Life is much more of a process for women than it is for men.1

This is why women are typically better at multitasking than men. She can talk on the phone, prepare a meal, make a shopping list, work on the agenda for tomorrow’s business meeting, give instructions to her children as they are going out to play, and close the door with her foot without skipping a beat. Because all her thoughts, emotions, and convictions are connected, she is able to process more information and keep track of more activities.

Spaghetti and waffles. It’s a wild example of describing a very important truth—men and women are just plain different. It’s like the old “Me Tarzan, You Jane” thing we learned as kids. Despite their differences, Tarzan and Jane found a way to swing gracefully through the trees together. The sooner we can learn how to make this magic happen for us, the more peaceful things will be around our homes.

For Chase and Callie, the first six months of their marriage went unusually smooth and problem free. Then, demands from his boss to meet an important fiscal deadline had Chase working late into the evenings, leaving Callie home alone. She began feeling less and less important as Chase’s job began consuming him. But Chase knew the deadline would soon pass and things would be back to normal. When he was at home, he tried hard to connect with Callie. But she had already grown frustrated and felt as though he wasn’t trying hard enough to meet her needs. They would often fall asleep nitpicking or in a deadening silence.

On the day of the deadline, he got off work early and brought home a box of chocolates, new lingerie, and a bouquet of flowers. For him, this would be the end of the fighting. As he walked through the door with gifts in hand, she met him with a nasty glare. The message she received was that all he wanted was sex. She, on the other hand, felt alone. Feeling rejected and as if there was nothing he could do to please her, he retreated to the garage to work on his car.

Most of us can relate to this story. Two people who genuinely love one another and want to connect but can’t. Callie wanted more time together with her husband and felt misunderstood by the gifts. He felt rejected.

Why can’t we seem to get it right with the men we love?

I believe it’s because we’re literally “opposites.” Women were created to support the men in their lives and men to protect the women in theirs (Genesis 2:18). We were created to complement and sustain one another. Because we were created for different purposes, we have different needs.

Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. in his book His Needs, Her Needs, outlines some of these most important differences:

• She can’t do without affection.

• He can’t do without sexual fulfillment.

• She needs him to talk to her and hold conversation.

• He needs her to be his playmate and do things with him. (Harley refers to this as recreational companionship.)

• She needs to trust him totally. Honesty and openness are critical to the relationship.

• He needs an attractive wife. (That means you should take pride in your appearance and look good for him.)

• She needs financial stability and support.

• He needs peace and quiet at home.

• She needs him to be a good father and remain committed to the family.

• He needs her to be proud of him.2

Think about this list for a moment. Look at the number of diametrically opposed needs between men and women. He needs peace and quiet at home; she needs conversation. No wonder you get ticked off at your husband when he doesn’t want to talk. He’s not giving you what you need. And he in turn gets aggravated that you won’t leave him alone.

He needs sexual fulfillment to connect emotionally. You need affection in order to desire sex. But if you don’t feel close to him to begin with, he ain’t gettin’ any.

But look at the list again. His way of building intimacy and feeling close is to play with you. To take you fishing, hiking, or to a sporting event. When you decline his invitation to play, the feeling he has is similar to yours when he refuses your invitation to a romantic dinner and sappy love movie.

He needs you to respect him. Paul told the Church at Ephesus, “Husbands love your wives…wives respect your husbands” (Ephesians 5:25,33). According to Emerson Eggerich in his book Love and Respect, nowhere in the Bible does it tell wives to love their husbands, instead it says to respect them. He needs to know you are proud of him. The degree to which you feel loved is the degree to which he feels respected. Respect your man, and he is sure to give you the love you need.

Shaunti Feldhahn, author of For Women Only, shared with me that “We women usually do respect the man in our lives, and have no idea that all day long we are doing things that send him the opposite message. We don’t realize that when we do something as simple as saying, ‘Honey, please stop and ask for directions,’ or ‘Don’t try to fix that. Let’s just call a plumber,’ that what he hears is ‘I don’t trust you’ or ‘I don’t believe in you.’”3 In other words, we don’t always realize that our words and actions are making our man feel unloved because they make him feel disrespected.

In your attempts to love and respect him, keep in mind that he is different from you. “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” (Romans 15:7). It isn’t always easy, but ultimately, it’s the key to being successful—in marriage and in life.

You can’t fix a problem you don’t see. Sharing your needs openly and honestly with each other will open your eyes to the differences between the two of you. When you understand those differences, you are able to experience and appreciate that other person at a whole new level. As women, when we do this, our attempts to love our men are no longer aimless. And as they understand us better, their pursuits will make us feel loved. – Julie Clinton

1. Bill and Pam Farrel, Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti (Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2001), 11, 13.
2. Willard F. Harley, His Needs, Her Needs (Grand Rapids: Revell, 2001), 7.
3. Shaunti Feldhahn, personal e-mail, February 15, 2007.

Julie Clinton M.Ad., M.B.A. Is president of Extraordinary Women and host of Ewomen conferences all across America. A woman of deep faith, she cares passionately about seeing women live out their dreams by finding their freedom in Christ. Julie and her husband, Dr. Tim Clinton, live in Virginia and are the parents of Zach and Megan, who is married to Ben Allison.

For more from Julie Clinton, visit her website HERE.