Category: faith

faith, Family

Courage | Letter to My Son

teamquadzilla

I’m sharing a series of “letters” originally written by Vince Miller. I regard Vince as a trusted resource for wisdom and insight on faith and family especially as it pertains to men and fathers. His bio is at the bottom of the post. Look him up. What follows is his work entirely. Vince communicates the messages I want my son to hear in a far more clear and concise way than I could ever say. Consider using these as conversation starters. I encourage you to share these letters with the important men in your life.

Manly courage may not be what you think it is. This type of courage demonstrates real maturity as a man. A lot of men discover the power of this courage late in life. I thought it would be good to share with you this type of rare courage now, so you can practice while you are young. It will serve you well.

David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”

— 2 Samuel 12:13

It was King David who made this confession. He was one of the prominent leaders of the Old Testament. And one of the attributes we remember about David was his courage. But David is remembered for this not just because of his courage in his battles with others, but even more because he was willing to battle with himself.

You see, men are made courageous by God. But courage is a result of being confronted with a challenge. Often this challenge exposes weakness and forces a man to come face-to-face with himself and his insecurities.

In the text I just read, Nathan confronted David about his sexual sin with a woman named Bathsheba and attempted to conceal the sin by murdering her husband, Uriah. It was a sin that he tried hard to conceal, which was now revealed. Busted by God, David confesses his sin to the only one he sinned against, which was God. And while David could have continued to hide from God by deflecting, denying, or blaming, he knew that hiding was not an option. So David takes a challenging and courageous step by confessing his sin.

I believe the greatest of men are willing to confess their mistakes. They are willing to verbalize what they have done wrong and have the security to admit it in their relationship with Christ. They courageously come out from behind, deflecting, denying, blaming, and concealing by revealing all they are to a God who already knows who they are. Thus confession is defined as “agreeing with God about who he already knows we are.” So in confession to God, we are not revealing something he doesn’t know. We are demonstrating in confession that we know that God knows. And this requires courage.

But this type of courage is only born in the willingness first to confess sin to God. You see, godly men who are courageous are not courageous by their own strength because they know that strength comes from God through their weakness. Courageous men trust in God’s strength to work through their weaknesses which spills over into other aspects of their life — like their leadership. Now it may look to the world like human strength mustered from courage, but it is not. It is a strength that comes from complete trust in God, who works through us.

For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

— Romans 7:18-20

I love these words from the apostle Paul primarily because they make me feel normal. One of the most prominent early leaders, Paul, declares he was no different from you or me. He was a sinner saved by grace who daily struggled with sin. Just like I do. And just like you do.

Sometimes I think that we wrongly believe there are Christians out there who don’t struggle with sin. Maybe because many Christians are good at concealing their struggles with sin. But it’s sin that brings us together. And it’s grace that brings us to God. While it sounds counterintuitive, our battle with sin creates a connection with other believers who also struggle with sin. This is because everyone sins. Now we might all sin a little differently, but we still all sin. And in a way, we are connected because of this. Don’t believe me? Then attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting sometime and listen to how sin has brought these people together. You will hear story after story of men and women trying to figure out how to battle the war with their sin — together. And their mutual weaknesses manifested differently give comfort to each other. And together, they seek support and solutions, which are only found in God.

So given this, here is something for you to think about. Maybe an advantage that I can pass on to you. It comes from James, the half-brother of Jesus. He said:

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

— James 5:16

Over the years, I have underestimated the power of confessing my weaknesses and sin. Confession is something courageous men do. And when confession is done in brotherhood and immersed with prayer, notice the outcomes that James says proceed — power and healing.

This is why I was taken aback by your confession this last week. Strangely at that moment, I was reminded of all my failings in leadership. Leadership mistakes I made in high school, college, and even early in my career. For a few seconds, your confession connected me to you emotionally and spiritually. Yet, at the same time, it compelled me to encourage you to keep confessing — to stay in that place of great strength. So son, keep acknowledging your weaknesses and confessing your sin. Only the greatest of men and leaders do this. Because every time you make one of these confessions to me, your courage connects me to you and compels me to confess my heart and to give you guidance that will help you overcome the challenges you are facing.
Great job, son. I love you, Dad.

faith, Family

Success is Misunderstood | Letter to My Son

teamquadzilla

I’m sharing a series of “letters” originally written by Vince Miller. I regard Vince as a trusted resource for wisdom and insight on faith and family especially as it pertains to men and fathers. His bio is at the bottom of the post. Look him up. What follows is his work entirely. Vince communicates the messages I want my son to hear in a far more clear and concise way than I could ever say. Consider using these as conversation starters. I encourage you to share these letters with the important men in your life.

Son, I believe determining and pursuing a genuine definition of success has been and always will be one of the great challenges in your quest for manhood. I have known many men who have invested decades of their life trying to figure this one out only to become undone by a single moment in time that redefines their understanding of success. Therefore, this letter is an attempt to caution you on how you perceive the success of other men and how I believe you should define success and pursue it yourself.

For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

— Matthew 16:26

There are numerous ways we determine and measure the success of a man in this life. The income he makes. The perceived power of his role. The number of followers he has on social platforms. Almost without thought, we reference these worldly measures as if they are the sole determining factors of a man’s success. But the lie we believe is that that they are the sum of a man’s success.

But there is no man who has known success in any of these areas who would say pursuing them led them to fulfillment. In fact, the people I know who pursue them are always wanting more. They are perpetually consumed and let down by their gains. Therefore I have to conclude this to be a shallow determination of success.

In the verse above, Jesus explains this. Jesus even says it is possible to “gain the whole world.” And there are many men who try this. Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Warren Buffett are a few. These are five men who are currently among the most wealthy men in the world. We learn from them that it is possible to “gain the whole world” or at least major portions of it. But as Jesus explains if you pursue them you will only get their temporary gain. More is always wanted.

But let’s get real honest with each other. Have I dreamed of being rich? You bet. I would be lying if I said “no.” But I have heard the stories too many times from too many men who are rich to know that most of them are miserable, lonely, and exhausted by their pursuit of riches. There is no end to the pursuit. It never fulfills the soul. Or, more accurately, success in these areas provides temporary pleasure but not real lasting fulfillment. Thus it falls short in being successful.

And in Jesus’s statement, he is urging men to consider their interpretation of success. He wants them to assess the better investment. So his question to us is this.
Will your determination of success be something that provides only temporary fulfillment or something that provides lasting profitable gain?

Honestly, I could care less about how much money, power, and fame you have in this life. These things only matter to those who worship them. Now I want you to be able to provide for yourself and a family along the way. But, in the end, I care more about your spiritual success and your pursuit of soulful profit because I know this is far more fulfilling.

But here’s the catch. A man can pursue a soulful profit in the wrong way and thus miss aiming for true success. So let me address that next.

Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

— Ephesians 4:22-24

Now, this is a little more difficult to describe, but many Christian men transition from the world’s means of success to a godly means of success, but end up doing it out of worldly motivation. And the two areas I see men do this the most are in how they live out spiritual obedience and how they use their spiritual gifts.

Let me clarify that there is nothing wrong with nurturing and pursuing growth in spiritual obedience and in our gifting. But we cannot pursue them like we do world things. For example, when a man pursues worldly success, they primarily do it out of selfish and self-centered motivations. But as followers of Christ, we cannot pursue our obedience or gifting out of the same motivation. But some men do. Primarily because it’s hard to unlearn our selfish motivations from our time living in the world. But to pursue spiritual activities by worldly means only strips the spiritual activity of its divine purpose. Consequently, many men get spiritually frustrated when this means is less unsuccessful. As a result, they find using their spiritual gifts unfulfilling and spiritual obedience exhausting. The reason why is that they are pursuing these things for personal gain.

Son, you should never assume two things about my spiritual motivation. First, that I pursue Christian obedience to increase my popularity with people or my standing with God. Second, that I use my spiritual gifts to receive economic advantage or gain power and influence in this life. My true motivation behind them is to bring fame to Jesus’s name by means of my obedience and gifting — that’s it. There is no other reason. I know you may not always know this because the motives behind my actions are hard to see, but this is my primary motivation. And somehow, as a result, my pursuit of these things has granted us some provision for the family. But that is secondary and an outcome, not the focus of my pursuit.

It took me a long time to learn this. I hope you learn this earlier than I did. And I should add there are moments I still struggle to put off the old man’s motivations, renew my mind, and put on the desires of the new man. Yet in time, you too can learn to have a new mind and new motivations in your pursuit of godly success.

Test your passions for success daily and learn to redirect them toward pure and holy motivations.

But the question still remains. What is true success?

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’

— Mark 12:30

Now it may seem strange that I choose this text, but here is why I choose it. Love is an eternal currency. It has real value. It has a lasting profit. And provides perpetual fulfillment. Love is where success begins and ends. And it’s not found in the love of things but a person — God.

Eventually, we must all face this truth. That God’s love is the only endless commodity. And he, out of love, pursued us by sending his Son. Through Jesus, he wants us to know how much he loves us. And he wants us to love him. And in his love, there is fulfillment, value, profit, and success.

Son, men have spent lifetimes learning the lesson of true spiritual success. Know that there is the only one who can love you like you need to be loved. And when you know God’s love with all your heart, soul, and mind his love will fill you and spill over into all your motivations and out to others.

But, here’s the catch, to know the fulfillment of this love you have to love everything else less — much less. Listen to how Jesus said this:

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

— Matthew 16:24-25


So I could sum up success this way.
Success is denying all selfish motivation, letting go of everything in this life, and learning to love God with all I am.

Learn this lesson long before I did. If you do, I would consider you one of the most successful men I have ever known. And again, I don’t care how much money you make, your status among men, or the initials after your name. I only care that you invest your life in learning to love God before all things.

And guess what?
I love you son. But not as much as God — Dad.

faith, Family

You Are Part Of Something Big | Letter To My Son

teamquadzilla

I’m sharing a series of “letters” originally written by Vince Miller. I regard Vince as a trusted resource for wisdom and insight on faith and family especially as it pertains to men and fathers. His bio is at the bottom of the post. Look him up. What follows is his work entirely. Vince communicates the messages I want my son to hear in a far more clear and concise way than I could ever say. Consider using these as conversation starters. I encourage you to share these letters with the important men in your life.

Church attendance is as vital to a disciple as a transfusion of rich, healthy blood to a sick man.

Dwight L. Moody

Wherever we see the Word of God purely preached and heard, there a church of God exists, even if it swarms with many faults.

John Calvin

I think it’s essential for you to hear this, but did you know you are a part of something big that some Christians believe is unnecessary. You are a member of a worldwide, and local body of believers called the church. While your personal relationship with Jesus Christ is essential, it was never intended to be private. Therefore participation in the body of Christ by joining a local church is not just nice; it’s necessary. I often worry about you not attending a local church regularly, and that you might dismiss it as irrelevant. But here are a few reasons I believe it’s important and the ways it has blessed me in my journey with Christ.

One | Man Was Created For Relationship

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.”

Genesis 1:26

Notice the text above. God creates man us not just in “his” image but in “our” image. The use of the plural personal pronouns “us” and “our” is significant. And just like the Godhead (Father, Son, and Spirit) is in relationship, we were created with the same need, not only for a relationship with God but others.

But you intuitively know this. You would otherwise experience loneliness and aloneness without meaningful relationships. You have been aware of this your whole life. You are reminded of this immense value often—every time someone includes you or leaves you out. Every time a friend comes to rescue or leaves you hanging. Every time a girl takes an interest in you or, in some cases, ignores you. We desire relationship, and we cannot do without it. God sketched it into the very fabric of our being.

Yet the relationships that fill this void have the potential to move us in two directions. Either they move us toward God or away from God. They thus make us better or worse. You have heard these words from me many times, but these two scriptures capture this truth. “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.'” (1 Corinthians 15:33) And at the same time, here is another important scripture, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17)

You know both your mother and I have always been concerned about the relationships you have. The reason being is that we know that relationships have great power to either corrupt you or make you sharper. At this point in your life, you get to make your own choices about the friends you will spend your time with, but I hope you’ll spend more time with those in the latter category—men, and women, that make you sharper.

Most of my longest-lasting friendships and relationships have been forged in the church. In fact, in the church, I have found lifelong friends whose character, skill, and influence is still having an impact on me. Their voices echo in the chambers of my heart and mind whether or not I still see them regularly—some have passed on, some have moved, and some I still see, but they speak truth to me. And because we have shared in worship and sought God’s way together, they have made me the man I am today. This is just one of the many reasons I think it’s vital to attend a local church. 

So go to church! Build some friendships and pursue God with others, even when it feels a little awkward for a while.

Two | You Need the Church and The Church Needs You

If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.

1 Corinthians 12:17-18

In these verses, Paul, the author, is comparing the church to a body. A living system of people that work together and therefore rely on each other as they rely on God. And while many believe you can be a Christian without going to church, nothing could be further from the truth—the reason being—you are the church!

Choosing not to attend because the church is full of sinful people, you don’t like its style, or think it’s not necessary to be called a follower of Christ is entirely mistaken. God never intended Christians to function independently from the Christian community. It’s simply impossible. This would be like saying you’re a soccer player when you don’t play on a team. Or suggesting you are a leader when no one is following you.

And here is the great part about being a part of church or body—you need them, and they need you. In reality, the church has gifts and resources that you need, and at the same time, you have gifts and resources that the church needs. Being a part of a body has numerous mutual benefits. Plus, you gather with people that share a common vision, mission, and values regarding life and godliness, and all this results in the biggest reason we go to church—to worship God together. Weekly we gather underneath the Lordship of Jesus Christ and worship him. As the author of Hebrews said, we must “not neglect to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” (Hebrews 10:25)

Three | Men Need Regular Positive Accountability

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:1-2

Accountability is something many men run from simply because we think of it only as something that occurs when we do something wrong. But accountability can be positive as well. It can be something that pushes and drives us to be better men, leaders, husbands, and fathers. I know without positive accountability as a man, I am destined for negative accountability—which is how most men learn through failure. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can be a little more proactive.

You need to start building relationships with some Christian men you trust and with whom you can confide. Men that love Christ and will propel you to be better. They will help you to become the man that God wants you to be and offer you encouragement in the temptations and burdens of life.

While I am present for you now, there will be a day I am not, and I hope that you will always be connected to a church because it’s essential to your ongoing growth and faith development. Act upon this immediately, and it will bless your life along our long journey toward our eternal home—together.

I love you, son, Dad.

Vince Miller is an author and speaker to men around the world on topics that include manhood, masculinity, fatherhood, mentorship, and leadership. He has authored 18 different books for men and is hosted on major video platforms like RightNow Media and Faithlife TV. He hosts a weekly podcast, writes weekly articles, and provides daily thoughts from God’s Word all just for men. He is a 27-year ministry veteran and the founder of Resolute a Men’s Ministry Platform that provides bible studies aimed at building better men found at www.beresolute.org. See his latest book and small group study Called to Act: 5 Uncomplicated Disciplines for Men.

faith, Fortitude, Personal Development

The Danger of Ambition | Letter To My Son

teamquadzilla

I’m sharing a series of “letters” originally written by Vince Miller. I regard Vince as a trusted resource for wisdom and insight on faith and family especially as it pertains to men and fathers. His bio is at the bottom of the post. Look him up. What follows is his work entirely. Vince communicates the messages I want my son to hear in a far more clear and concise way than I could ever say. Consider using these as conversation starters. I encourage you to share these letters with the important men in your life.

Son, most men learn about the dangers of ambition the hard way. 

We never intend to slowly distance ourselves from God, family, or meaningful relationships. We never aim to become evil, manipulative, or narcissistic. We never plan to commit adultery, get divorced, be prosecuted, get fired, or be canceled on social media. But ambition has led to all these results and more.

And for those who have been down these roads and experienced these results, we know the hidden dangers. For some, it begins with seeking a competitive edge. Or for others, begins with a desire to please others who are never satisfied. And others get caught in its trappings by the promise of achievements, notoriety, and prosperity.

So, son, in guarding and forewarning yourself of these dangers, here are some things you must know.

One | Ambition Feeds on Selfishness

“as to zeal, a persecutor of the church…”—Paul commenting on his past as the man formerly known as Saul, in Philippians 3:6

These short words are how Paul identified his former behavior. His zeal was second to none. He was known for his ambition. This was so widely known that his conversion to faith was unbelievable for many Christians.

And when [Saul] had come to Jerusalem, he attempted to join the disciples. And they were all afraid of him, for they did not believe that he was a disciple.—Acts 9:26

What’s interesting about a man’s ambition is not that it’s all bad. Ambition, zeal, and industry are good, as long the object of ambition is not the self. When the ambition focuses on the self, a man will ultimately use others around him to accomplish his own end. They become his means to elevate himself, which has now become his central focus. This is tough to see when at first, but as selfish ambition grows, the effects are far-reaching. And as we discover in Saul’s life, he began using people for his personal advancement. And this process can become so self-serving and devious that deviation from this path can seem unbelievable and impossible to observers.

The dilemma is that there is no end to this progression until the pain of necessary change confronts a man. And depending on how callous and impervious to the pain we’ve become, it might require tremendous pain. Or, like in Saul’s case, we finally have a confrontation with Jesus Christ that knocks us off our feet and onto our knees.

Two | Ambition is Aimless Enticement

I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind.

King Solomon- Ecclesiastes 1:14

Solomon, the wisest and wealthiest man to ever live, has something significant to teach us about the path of ambition. Money. Fame. Success. They are all attractive. Many a man will pursue them. The reason why men seek them is positive short-term gains. But the problem is that the short term gains always fall short. Moreover, the short-lived gains lead to aimless running. Therefore men from one temporary gain to the next. Before long, we look up and see we have been running after purposelessness and aimlessness.

No man wants this. We want the exact opposite—purpose and meaning. And as Solomon discovered, there was only one to find it. And in the final sentences of the book of Ecclesiastes, he tells us how to find purpose and meaning. The path to discovering it is not through human ambition but holy fear. Fear of the One who provides purpose to a man. And this is not aimlessness—this is our aim!

Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind.

Ecclesiastes 12:13

Three | Ambition Compromises Character

And he told her all his heart, and said to her, “A razor has never come upon my head, for I have been a Nazirite to God from my mother’s womb. If my head is shaved, then my strength will leave me, and I shall become weak and be like any other man.”—Samson’s confession to Deliah in Judges 16:17

This confession led to Samson’s fall. But he did not arrive at this moment suddenly. He got there one small decision at a time. His selfish ambition eventually caused him to get closer and closer to the edge of compromise. Until finally, he thought he was impervious to failing. Thus, his ambition clouded his wisdom and exposed his character and, therefore, his life’s mission and purpose.

All human ambition will lead a man to do something that seems stupid. What’s interesting is that at the moment they do it, they don’t think it’s stupid. It’s just another choice in a series of choices that lead to a final and foolish decision. But what this decision reveals is their character. Therefore most men look back at this, realizing how stupid one decision was and the series of smaller decisions that led up to it—that can never be undone but can only be done differently from that point forward.

So what can we do?

Overcoming Ambition

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

Ezekiel 36:26

Instead of surrendering to ambition, great men surrender ambition itself. In the act of surrender, we loosen our grip on what has a hold on us. And we offer it to God. We submit everything our ambitions have been focused on, which is the self, and we give our ambitions and the self to a holy and willing God. Then God, who we now worship—not the self—guides us down a new path focused only on him. 

And the best part is that God does something in this exchange that reignites the male ambition with a twist—it becomes holy ambition. Ambition focused solely on him and his purposes. And in this, we discover that God has a purpose for us and that he wants us to live in out in his character and in his way.

Son, be ambitious. But do not fall for the trappings of human ambition. They are, but folly, and many a man has fallen to its trapping. I love you—Dad.

Vince Miller is an author and speaker to men around the world on topics that include manhood, masculinity, fatherhood, mentorship, and leadership. He has authored 18 different books for men and is hosted on major video platforms like RightNow Media and Faithlife TV. He hosts a weekly podcast, writes weekly articles, and provides daily thoughts from God’s Word all just for men. He is a 27-year ministry veteran and the founder of Resolute a Men’s Ministry Platform that provides bible studies aimed at building better men found at www.beresolute.org. See his latest book and small group study Called to Act: 5 Uncomplicated Disciplines for Men.

faith, Personal Development

Sex, Porn, & Desire | Letter To My Son

teamquadzilla

I’m sharing a series of “letters” originally written by Vince Miller. I regard Vince as a trusted resource for wisdom and insight on faith and family especially as it pertains to men and fathers. His bio is at the bottom of the post. Look him up. What follows is his work entirely. Vince communicates the messages I want my son to hear in a far more clear and concise way than I could ever say. Consider using these as conversation starters. I encourage you to share these letters with the important men in your life.

Son, I have met so many men who are compulsively viewing pornography that I must write this letter. While many of the notes I write to you, I look forward to writing; this one was difficult to write as the subject matter is sexual, and the challenge for men is hard to describe.

You already know much of this, but I think it is essential that you hear it from me, your father—not your friends and not a teacher—but from me, as I see the world through the lens of God’s Word. The reality is that most young men have viewed pornography by the age of 13, if not younger. And about 60% of students will use porn to learn more about sex and fill in the gaps in their sex education. And I get it—it’s everywhere. But pornography is not an instruction for your sex education, and there are a plethora of reasons why. But in this letter, I want to focus on what I believe is important for you to know.

We have to be honest. Honest with ourselves as men. Men look at porn for five basic reasons, and sometimes for all of them. We desire arousal, education, companionship, entertainment, or we feel pressured by peers. That’s it! But this is nothing new. Every man has these desires, but often they don’t admit it. I mean, think about it, when is the last time some guy admitted to you that he watches porn to learn more about sex? Or when is the last time a guy confessed to you that he goes to porn because he is in desperate need of companionship? Men don’t do that. At least I have never met a man who has, probably because many men have trouble being honest with themselves and even more about the feelings and desires they have.

But let’s face it, men have these desires. And men turn to porn because it is both a prolific and private delivery system to explore those five things: physical arousal, visual education, fantasy companionship, personal entertainment in moments they feel pressured to participate. So men think, why confess them to another man when I can figure it out on my own? And this thinking is fatal for a follower of Christ. Getting our desires fulfilled in this way, gives our desires to vices that are evil and insidious. We could spend all day talking about the ills of the pornography industry, and yet we would only touch the surface of the depth of the evils. There are better people with which to discuss sex and better ways to understand our male desires.

I believe the best place to go to for a great understanding of this subject is God’s Word. And why? God is the designer of man, sex, and desire. And since he is the designer of all this, why not turn to him?

If I were to pick from only a few verses in the bible on this topic, I would go straight to Jesus’s teaching. In the New Testament, Jesus addresses these topics in the greatest sermon ever preached the Sermon on the Mount. Listen to what Jesus says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.—Matthew 5:27-30

Now stay with me. There are a few things we can learn from this text.

First, Jesus knows that sex is not the issue. Sex is something God created for us, and he wants us to enjoy it, but it should be done in a way that aligns with his moral will. (I am not going to address all that here maybe in another letter).

Second, Jesus teaches that the act of adultery, (sex outside of marriage with another woman,) while wrong is not where the line is drawn on biblical infidelity.

Third, Jesus teaches that adultery is a manifestation of the core issue. And what is the core issue? It is what Jesus calls the “lustful intent.” The core problem is what happens in our hearts before we act. Now please note, the action is wrong, but it’s the misguided desire in a man that leads to misdirected action. And we discover that we are perpetually fulfilling our desires our way to feed our selfishness. And all mankind must come to terms with the fact that our desires are perpetually misaligned and we need Jesus Christ, his grace, and His Spirit to redeem, restore, and realign them.

Do you know what real men do—men of God? They understand that the desires of their heart only find the satisfaction they desire in God alone. Men who submit their desires to God and are indwelled by the Holy Spirit and daily respond to the conviction of God by redirecting their desires toward something more holy—these men are real men. However, men who are led about by their wild desires controlled by visual stimulation combined with a physical release are not real men. Great men recognize their desires, confess them to trusted brothers, and attempt to find practical ways to find satisfaction in God on a daily basis when those desires, urges, and compulsions arise. If you can start now, while you are still young, to address these desires you may keep yourself from unhealthy compulsions that could lead to a life of relational devastation.

There are three things I want you to hear today, and this is not exhaustive on this subject. First, get to know what triggers your wayward desires. Only you will know this. Is it loneliness? Need for arousal? Desperation to understand? Lack of companionship? A need to fit in? And know the trigger specifically. What triggers my desires will differ from yours, but nonetheless, get to know them.

Second, when this trigger strikes decide in advance what you need to do to act in a way that is honoring to God. While the desire isn’t wrong, you do not have to feed the desire with a wrong action. Halt the process. If you act, you will only reward the desire. For example, if in loneliness you go to porn you are rewarding your loneliness. If you couple this with masturbation, you are only feeding the process with a more powerful reward. So decide now what you will do when the ungodly desire arises.

Third, feed the desire something more satisfying. For example, if you feel lonely, find another means of companionship. If you feel a need to understand, find another way to discuss your curiosity. But don’t feed the core desire with actions that are not honoring that lead to compulsions that dishonor God.

I believe one of the great responsibilities that we have as men of God is the stewardship and leadership of our desires. While this is impossible for man, the Holy Spirit can convict and guide. 

Let me know if you want to talk about this more. I love you son, Dad.

Vince Miller is an author and speaker to men around the world on topics that include manhood, masculinity, fatherhood, mentorship, and leadership. He has authored 18 different books for men and is hosted on major video platforms like RightNow Media and Faithlife TV. He hosts a weekly podcast, writes weekly articles, and provides daily thoughts from God’s Word all just for men. He is a 27-year ministry veteran and the founder of Resolute a Men’s Ministry Platform that provides bible studies aimed at building better men found at www.beresolute.org. See his latest book and small group study Called to Act: 5 Uncomplicated Disciplines for Men.