I’m
sharing a series of “letters” originally written by Vince Miller. I
regard Vince as a trusted resource for wisdom and insight on faith and family
especially as it pertains to men and fathers. His bio is at the bottom of the
post. Look him up. What follows is his work entirely. Vince communicates the
messages I want my son to hear in a far more clear and concise way than I could
ever say. Consider using these as conversation starters. I encourage you to
share these letters with the important men in your life.
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of
God he created him; male and female he created them.”—Genesis 1:27
“Marriage is a lot of give and take. You take a lot, and you give a lot.”
—Verna Mae Baker
Son, It Seems The Times Are A-Changin’
We live in a time in our culture where it appears men and women
compete with each other. In this battle for equality and preserving the
masculine and feminine identity, it seems there is an attack on old customs.
Former “gentlemanly
traditions” are now brought into
question as if their motivation was to force women to become our subjects in
the home, marriage, marketplace, and the church. While this could long be
debated, including the underlying motivations and resultant issues, it’s had an
impact on what it means to be a man and how to best cherish and honor women. I
would say it has made relationships more tricky to navigate. Some men are
skittish, and others ignore it—but the world is not skittish and refuse to
ignore it. Popular media throws out words that even I have to look
up—like “misogyny” and “misandry.” Colleges now
subject incoming students to pronouns about gender and sexual identity that
inherently have a double meaning—like “cisgender.” And I wonder
if this is creating more clarity for anyone, or just adding to the confusion.
On our quest for understanding, could we be frustrating ourselves?
Maybe
this is partly our fault as men. The unintended consequences of not living out
the character of Christ might be catching up with us. Our misuse of power,
objectification of beauty, locker-room lingo, misunderstanding of submission,
and poor treatment might have created the perfect storm in our time. The sad
part is that it calls into question all that was good about gentlemen behaviors
like provision, protection, roles, and manners that had long-standing masculine
charm. Our culture is trying at hyperspeed to redefine masculinity, but this
does not change God’s plan for manhood.
So how
can we best love the women of our life?
Eight Principles For Female Relationships
One | Be A Strong Gentlemen
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an
understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they
are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be
hindered.”—1 Peter 3:7
Everyone gets tripped up by the “weaker vessel” part
of this verse, yet why wouldn’t every woman want a strong man? But “strong” does
not infer that we should use power to demand the submission of others. It means
to steward our strength to “lift a heavy box” responsibly
and with the understanding, we do have some common ground with women—a grace
that redeems us both. Balancing this is a delicate art. Sincerely strong men
know they possess a “power,” whatever that power may be, and manage it with care
toward others. This is God’s obligation before us. Being strong is to know our
strength and then practice it in a way that brings beauty to those who possess
a different strength. I believe this is what it means to be a “gentle” man.
And I want you to be this man—unashamed of your strength but not shaming others
with it—especially women.
Do this:
- Hold the door for a woman.
- Give a thoughtful gift to a
woman.
- Wait until marriage to have sex.
- Respect your mother or any older
woman.
- Put Godly boundaries on your
interaction with women.
- Kiss her respectfully.
- Protect her dignity with other
men.
- Mind your manners around all
women.
- Defend and embellish women.
- Don’t put yourself in a
compromising position with a woman.
Two | Connect Emotionally With Women
“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with
them.”—Colossians 3:19
One thing
I failed to learn before marriage was how to connect emotionally. Due to the
emotional damage in my life, I was unable to discover that emotional connection
was critical in marriage, relationships, and leadership. Emotional connection
is a part of life, and it requires honesty, openness, and transparency. If you
want a great relationship with women and marriage, then you are going to have
to learn how to connect with women emotionally. This means sharing your heart
with them about the things you are experiencing, not just talking about the
facts, your opinions, or being ready with the next best joke.
“Harsh” men, as Paul
references above, have failed to learn to connect emotionally. Contrary to
popular belief, anger is not the only emotion we have as men. Many men never
learn this. Angry men have not learned or been taught the strength and power of
real honest, open, and transparent sharing. They have not learned to identify
and address their wounds, and thus, in fits of anger express this confusion.
And when we are “harsh” with women, we end up treating women as submissive
subjects rather than loving them the way God would love them.
Emotional connection is vital in a relationship with women, raising
children, and leading people. “Emotional Intelligence,” terminology
Daniel Coleman popularized, is the ability to understand self enough that we
can connect healthily with others. But this is not to be reduced to a
leadership tactic—it’s an emotional ability of mature men. Women have an
intuitive sense in this area and know when we are not making an emotional
connection with them. And emotional connection begins with us connecting and
getting real with how we feel—angry, disgusted, fearful, happy, or sad.
Do this:
- Listen to how she is feeling.
- Share with her how someone made
you feel.
- Listen to her struggles.
- Share a struggle you are trying
to overcome.
- When you are confused, confess
it and ask her for advice or wisdom.
- Share something new you learned
and why this was important to you.
Three | Let The Creator Determine Manhood and
Womanhood
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of
God he created him; male and female he created them.”—Genesis 1:27
God is
the Creator. We are not. He does not remain neutral on the fact that men and
women are unique and beautiful and yet both made in his image. But the world is
going to have a lot to say about men and women. In college, your professors and
friends will have lots to say. The world will even try to define it for you.
But don’t listen to the creation on Creator issues. Marketing, movements, and
sensationalism cannot redefine what God has already established. It has been
tried repeatedly. When you want the best answer, go to the Creator, not
creation—their opinions and ideas don’t matter. The designer, in this case, is
God. He has the best purpose, plan, and payoff. And the significant part is
that he has given us the best model—Jesus Christ.
Remember:
- God has the best plan for man.
- God has the best plan for women.
- God has the best plan for
marriage.
- God has the best plan for a
family.
- God is the truth; when you have
questions, go to the truth.
Four | Learn How To Love & Sacrifice For Women
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the
church and gave himself up for her”—Ephesians 5:25
My grandmother used to say, “Marriage is a lot of give and take. You take a lot, and you give a
lot.” And her point is well taken.
Nothing is more humbling than discovering there is no end to the need to
cherish and sacrifice. There is no line, no boundary, and no limit. We take and
give endlessly. But personally absorbing and acting in the beauty in this is
difficult. Women are not perfect. Men are not perfect. But we can love and
sacrifice in lieu of this and see perfection through it.
In those moments, I am most challenged by my wife, I still think to
myself about the high responsibility I have to love and sacrifice for her.
Sometimes my selfish nature says, “again?” But in the years
we have been married, I have continued to fight off this broken logic. I have
discovered I do still love her underneath it all—we are merely having one of
our moments.
You too
will have these moments—moments of deep frustration. This is sometimes a
communication issue and sometimes just part of the challenge of relationships.
Don’t be quick to think it’s just a woman thing. It’s a human thing. People are
sinful and broken—men and women. Due to this, you are going to have to love and
sacrifice in spite of the challenges. Jesus did the same. He loved and
sacrificed for a people who did not love him, and he did it anyway—so should
you. And this is the point of this text. Learn to love and sacrifice—anyway.
Do this:
- As a man, love a little longer
than the moment.
- As a man, love when you don’t
want to.
- As a man, love a little longer
when people tell you not to.
- As a man, sacrifice till it
hurts and discovers real love.
- And look for a woman who will do
the same.
Five | Seek A Covenant Not A Contract
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his
mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”—Genesis
2:24
Oneness
is a great mystery. God wants us to enjoy it live in it. He wants us to find
someone with whom you will spend the rest of your life with whom you will share
sexually, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.
All I
know is that we can corrupt this oneness. We have the opportunity to take and
steal from this oneness even before marriage by separating them from a
covenantal relationship. Don’t make this mistake. God’s covenant of marriage is
not something to adulterize. Many do this thinking they will be fine, and they
are not.
Many people hold a “contractional” or “transactional” view of marriage. Don’t keep this view. If it’s
contractional, then it’s meant to be broken. If it’s transactional then
determining your half of the contribution will lead to much debate. But
understand marriage as “covenantal,” and then you will take it much more seriously—because
there is a third person involved in the covenant—God. And it is God who created
us for a relationship, a forever commitment when the time comes. Look for a
woman who wants this kind of commitment with you and God.
Do this:
- Identify marriages that you
admire and pray for them.
- Identify characteristics in
women that you want and pray for them.
- Identify characteristic in men
that you want and pray for them.
Six | Avoid Immorality
“Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a
forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?”—Proverbs 5:20
Yeah,
this is one of those points that never gets old. It’s a timeless truth. Don’t
treat women this way, and don’t treat yourself this way. What more needs to be
said?
Don’t do
this:
- View pornography or undress
women with your mind.
- Joke sexually about women even
with others, it’s not funny.
- Endorse the objectification of
women by giving your money to entities that do.
- Don’t support others who do any
of the above.
- Don’t be alone with an
untrustworthy woman.
Seven | Find A Woman Who Cares About You & God
“An excellent wife who can find? She is far more
precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have
no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her
life.”—Proverbs 31:10-12
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains
favor from the Lord.”—Proverbs 18:22
Your mom
has made me a better man. Women often see us as their favorite project. And
while some think this could be interpreted as overstepping and positionally
arrogant—honestly, I want to be better. Daily I am challenged by her to be
better, push harder, do more, serve further, love more, be more open, become
more romantic. While once I used to see this as a drawback, I now view it as an
advantage I have. So look for someone who will make you better—a better man,
husband, father, and leader. And someone for who you can do the same.
And
nothing is more important than finding someone who not only makes you better
but loves God even more than you. Someone who puts Him first. A woman who is
wholly subject to God. Who wants to grow in character and virtue with Him and
then you. Find this woman. Settle for nothing less. I am blessed to have found
it. And only now I realize that it is the great “coincidence” of my life. And why would I suggest this?
Because a woman who honors God will always honor you. It sounds a little
selfish, but it’s wisdom to be trusted.
Do this:
- Pray for a woman who loves you
just the way you are.
- Pray for a woman who enjoys
you—your style, humor, personality, and values.
- Pray for a woman who loves God.
- Pray for a woman who makes you
better.
Eight | Be The Right Man & You’ll Find The Right
Woman
“Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men,
be strong.”—1 Corinthians 16:13
Often, men and women date, hook up, or even get married because they
are missing something in their lives and believe that one of these things will
fill that void. While there is much to be said here, many fail to remember that
Jesus is the relationship who completes us regardless of our married state. If
you cannot come to a place of contentment, joy, and understanding your identity
in your singleness, you will not find this in marriage. In fact, if you cannot
find it now, it might complicate it further to be in a relationship or get
married. Your identity is not found in a relationship or marriage because
neither of these relational states takes the place of one’s identity in
Christ—it only compliments it. You are a complete person in Christ, dating,
married, or not. Regardless of popular opinion, your spouse will not “complete you,” Jesus is the only one that does. So be secure in
who you are in Christ. Act like a man, the man that God made you be.
Do this:
- Groom yourself.
- Smell good.
- Act in Godly character daily.
- Seek a career path.
- Work hard and play hard.
- Have fun but don’t overdo it.
Love you,
son. Dad.
After serving in notable ministry
organizations for over 25 years (including Young Life, InterVarsity, TCU
Football, and Eagle Brook Church), Vince founded Resolute, a non-profit
organization focused on providing men with tools for discipleship and mentorship.
He’s written 13 books and handbooks, along with small group videos that are
resources for mentorship. He also produces THE MEN’S DAILY DEVO and the MAN TALK PODCAST. His latest book is a devotional and
mentoring guide for men called THIRTY VIRTUES THAT BUILD A MAN.
Team Quadzilla 