Team Quadzilla

4 Things Married Men Should Never Do

December 7, 2017June 3, 2020 teamquadzilla

So, you’re a married man. Congratulations! Being married can be awesome and liberating. You get to spend the rest of your life with your best friend and someone who complements you completely – it’s tremendous.

The thing about marriage is that it actually provides a framework for you to thrive and flourish, to become your true self rather than someone who is just angling for another score.

But even though marriage is a time for you to feel free, there are a few things that married men should never do. Here are four of them.

1) Get emotionally vulnerable with a member of the opposite sex

Whether you’re unburdening yourself or whether they’re pouring out their heart to you, this is just a bad idea. Look, we all want to be the person who is kind and loving and who is “there” for those in need. And that’s a great person to be!

Just don’t be that person for a member of the opposite sex. Especially if it’s just the two of you.

Look, we’re not afraid of a man being friends or even being close with a woman that he’s not married to. But we also understand the realities of the way the human heart works, and we know that emotional vulnerability can wind up leading either – or both – of you to places you shouldn’t be going.

Someone else can be there for them. Or there for you. It’s not worth it.

2) Keep score

Hey, you want to know a great way to kill intimacy with your wife? Try keeping score!

When you get into a heated conversation (i.e. argument), don’t try to find resolution – just try to win. When your wife asks you to do something for her, remember it so you can use it later to force her to do something for you.

Oh, and when it comes to sex, definitely keep track of who initiates and when and then take it personally.

Of course we’re being sarcastic here. Keeping score is great when you’re playing actual games, but a terrible thing to do in marriage. You and your spouse are in this together, meaning you either both win or you both lose. Grow up.

3) Try to fix your wife

The great thing about your wife is that she is a wonderful puzzle of occasional contradictions who sometimes just needs to think out loud.

And at the risk of generalizing, we’re going to say that when she does think out loud, she’s not really looking for answers so much as a confidant and someone to back up the way she feels about something.

She probably doesn’t really want you to fix her situation, and she definitely doesn’t want you to fix her.

She wants an advocate.

You aren’t responsible for your wife’s emotions or actions. You know who is? She is. Let her be. Listen, be kind, back her up, and let her vent.

4) Stop doing the little things

You know how when you were dating you did all kinds of cool, fun, romantic little things? And you know how that made her feel?

Yeah, you should keep doing that stuff.

You probably already know this, because it’s in, like, every marriage book, blog, video course, conference, and getaway weekend. But there’s a reason for that: because it’s true.

You have to keep doing that stuff to let your wife know you still cherish her and respect her and have a desperate desire to continue surprising her, even after all these years.

And now it’s your turn, married guys. We’ve given you some ideas – take them as a springboard and start thinking of what you shouldn’t do as a married man, as well as all the many, many things that you can do. Get started. Live free.**

**This entire article was written by Craig Gross who started http://www.xxxchurch.com. He provides excellent resources for marriage and common struggles men in particular face. I enjoy sharing helpful and encouraging content from other subject matter experts. I hope this is helpful to you as it is to me.

Family, Personal Development

Thanks Giving is an Excellent Healthy Habit

November 22, 2017June 3, 2020 teamquadzilla

What are you thankful for?

As we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving, it seems easy to think of something to be thankful for.

The question still deserves some contemplation. If it has been a while since you paused to think about all that you are thankful for, make an appointment in your calendar to do so. Thinking about your blessings and all that is good in your life is a great way to lift your spirits. I challenge you to look beyond the obvious or “off the top of your head” things to be thankful for and really consider your life and circumstances. Doing so is extraordinarily therapeutic as this excellent article Inside the Surprising New Science of Gratitude suggests.

Being thankful is not just for this annual holiday though. It should be our habit to be thankful. For all the healthy habits one could have, having an “attitude of gratitude” should be at the top of the list.

Hey, that reminds me of a catchy song by Hawk Nelson – listen here.

Famous psychiatrist, Dr. Leo Marvin made the excellent suggestion to take a vacation from your problems. Thinking about all that is good in your life and giving thanks to God and those around you is a great way to heed the good doctor’s advice. When you practice giving thanks daily, I’m sure you will find yourself to be a happier and more positive person. Then you can be thankful for that as well!

On a lighter side, you might appreciate this bit from comedian Jim Gaffigan about Thanksgiving. It’s from his hilarious book called Food that is a beautiful mockery of healthy eating. I have thoroughly enjoyed it. Hey, I’m thankful for the mostly clean comedy of Jim Gaffigan.

Gobble, gobble everyone!

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-19)

faith, Family

Why Fear Is Worse Than Greed

November 16, 2017June 3, 2020 teamquadzilla

To be honest, I didn’t want to share this article. It sat in my inbox for months while I read and re-read it several times with an ever increasing conviction that it was written directly to me. Has that ever happened to you?

This hits me right between the eyes. Not every detail of course, but Dr. Raymond Force pretty much nails the subject. I’ve never thought about fear this way, even once I admitted that I had some fears (fear of rejection/ failure primarily) that keep me from being an awesome husband.

It is because of my fear that I don’t want to share this with you. So here I am facing my fear head on making myself vulnerable to you. Dr. Force’s complete article is below (in red). My personal comments follow that. Read on.

Dr. Force’s Article

There are two emotions in life that cause hardships in our relationship with God, our spouses, and our children. Though one seems to get a pass on many an occasion, both are extremely destructive. These menaces are fear and greed.

If fear and greed were villains, greed would probably have a higher price on its head. However, I believe fear to be a little worse for the following reasons:

Fear is not as easily identified as a problem in the mind of the fearful

Everyone that is fearful feels justified in their fear-based approach to life and relationships. In their mind, they are protecting their marriage and the ones they love. However, it should be noted that though we should be cautious in some areas, there is a fear based in our unbelief, our idiosyncrasies, and our insecurities that can destroy healthy relationships.

A fear-based spouse will often see darkness where there is simply light, feel hostility when there is peace, or read something into a situation while others are just doing life. Nonetheless, the results can lead to as many fights as a marriage that is plagued with a greedy, self-centered spouse.

Fear-based people do not take the blame

People that are prone to fear-based actions are more likely to blame others around them for not being equally afraid. Thus, it is harder to identify the true culprit in the relationship because the focus of the blame is often misguided at best.

Fear-based people often have logic and scriptures to back up their actions

Though their logic and scriptures will often be faulty or out of context, they seem all the more believable and sincere because of their arguments.

Dr. Raymond Force’s Story

I like to tell people that I have better me-sight than insight on subjects like this. In other words, I was a horrible fear-monger in our marriage during the early days, and I still have to watch my thoughts and actions. There was a time when my wife was afraid to be herself. She hid behind a shell of stoicism as she never knew when the next fear-based bomb was about to drop. To make matters worse, my fear was cloaked with religion (which is the worst kind), and I failed to see how debilitating it was to our marriage until about 5 years into the marriage.

Here is what I found that helped me to move into a more loving approach to my marriage and life in general:

I had to enter into a John 14:21-23 relationship with the Lord.

In other words, sensing the presence of my Heavenly Father helped me to relax and see goodness where previously I saw the opposite.

I had to stop blaming others in the marriage and home.

The Greek word for devil in the scriptures is diabolos. The word is actually translated slanderer or accuser in a few places. I had to realize that though I was religious, I had many of the characteristics of the evil one in that I was proud and a slanderer of those around me.

I had to become a man.

Manhood means taking sole responsibility for your actions instead of blaming others. It also involves taking the consequences of your actions on the chin and doing whatever it takes to ensure that the original actions that caused negative reactions from others are no longer in play.

I had to detox my mind.

I often encourage spouses and families to do what I call a Philippians 4:8 detox. In this passage, Paul tells us to think on things that are praiseworthy. Mark it down. When you stop beating dead horses of negativity in your mind, you will see a release of tension in your spirit, marriage, and the rest of your home.

I had to realize that fear was greed.

When people are fearful, their focus is hardly ever on God’s glory. In fact, the energy swirls within them and around them, but it hardly ever is an energy that causes the focus to be on God and the true betterment of others. Truly, love, agape love, never fails and it certainly “casts out fear”.

Chad’s Story

I believe most people are quite unaware, clueless really, of their negative behaviors and how they impact their relationships. I am no different, having spent the majority of my adult life believing that most of the relationship problems I faced were the fault of my circumstances or someone else. In just the last few years though I finally discovered something radical. A key part of my healthy living journey is to become more self-aware through a frequent process of “sober self-assessment” (Romans 12:3) that I learned in a really good Bible study resource.

It is by this prayerful self-assessment, the therapeutic exercise of journaling, and a study on the topic of hidden idols in my heart that the Lord revealed to me my issue with fear of rejection. I realized that I had made an idol out of approval/ acceptance from others- particularly from my wife Angie. I won’t get into the details about fear as an idol here, but if you are intrigued how they are connected, I recommend you take a close look at the last link about hidden idols. Read the book.

My point is that it’s humbling to learn that the source of my problems in life and relationships is my own fault and I’m responsible to make it better. What hits me hard about this article is that fear is actually very selfish. Greed is selfish obviously. But fear is even more selfish than greed. Ouch. Here’s what my fear of rejection looks like: (Gulp)

I work really hard to earn approval or acceptance from Angie. I work my butt off because I NEED her approval like a fish needs water. I feel like I can’t live without her acceptance & approval. I fear failing her and I fear her rejection of me, so I knock myself out by doing things that I think will win her. My self-esteem is based upon how I perceive Angie feels about me & my performance.
My fear of rejection and my NEED of her acceptance/ approval are tied together. What happens is inevitably I do not receive the acceptance/approval I EXPECTED for all my “sacrificial efforts” so I feel rejected. My expectation is entirely selfish. I am not working my butt off for her sake; I’m doing it for me. I’m trying to feed my idol of “acceptance/ approval of others.”
Once rejected, I reason that I must protect myself from this horrible feeling so I quit doing anything for Angie. I blame her for rejecting me. “How dare she?!” I foolishly believe I will feel better if I don’t do anything for Angie because I will save myself all the hard work and I won’t be rejected. How ridiculous is that?
The results are obvious. Angie does not feel loved in the least. She loses. She does not accept or approve of my behavior at all. Her rejection of me continues. She is conditioned to wonder if anything I do is really for her, or just for my own selfish motives. I am a mess, because from my point of view I can’t avoid rejection no matter what I do. I lose too.
We both lose and our relationship is stuck in a rut because I am afraid of rejection.

To remedy this, I have to keep reminding myself of the list of items above. Particularly the ideas of ownership of my behavior, detoxing my mind from all the lies Satan tell me about my value, claiming key Scriptures like Phil 4:8, Psalm 23, 27 & 139, Romans 8:28-39, Joshua 1:9, 2 Timothy 1:7, etc., and realizing how selfish my fear really is. Fighting my fears is a battle that I expect to fight to my grave, but I know I will get better with practice. And the truth is that I have an awesome advocate on my side. His name is Jesus. His great love for me wipes out all my fear – if I let him. I wonder, do you know him?

I’m embarrassed to share all this with you. I feel like I should have it all figured out by now. The truth is, the older I get, the more I find that I don’t have figured out. But here is what I know for sure:

-Fear is real and it can be debilitating.

-Fear is a selfish choice.

-The perfect love of Jesus casts out fear, so I will forever cling to him.

-Focusing on Jesus, his love for me, his attributes like mercy, grace, & forgiveness, instead of my fears is a key way to experience victory over it.

I’m so thankful to have Jesus on my side to help me through my life journey. I can’t imagine how I would handle this struggle without him. If what I’m saying here sounds completely foreign to you, or you think I’m crazy, I welcome your feedback. I would love to chat with you personally to discuss your thoughts on fear, faith, marriage, etc.

Fitness

12 Tips to Help You Stick With Exercise

November 9, 2017June 3, 2020 teamquadzilla

Exercise by definition is work. And it’s hard to put in the work to get results. It’s easy to talk yourself out of exercising. Even when you have the best intentions to work out, excuses are so easy to find — “I’m too tired,” or “I’m busy,” or “The weather is bad.”

The right attitude and a few tricks can keep your fitness routine on track. Use these tips to stay in the game:

1. Do it for yourself. Studies show that people who are “externally motivated” — that is, they hit the gym just to look good at the class reunion — don’t stick with it. Those who are “internally motivated” — meaning they exercise because they love it — are the ones who stay in it for the long run. Check out this video from the Quadzilla YouTube archive to help “find your WHY” to make exercise part of your lifestyle.

2. Take baby steps. You would never try to run 10 miles on day one, right? When you do too much too soon, you’ll end up sore, injured, and discouraged. Take it easy as you get started. Maybe you only run a quarter mile your first week. When that becomes easy, you can make it more challenging. Having a plan to follow will expedite your progress without killing yourself. Baby Steps really works!

3. Hang tough. No one has perfect form the first day of strength training. Every workout takes practice. You’ll get the hang of it if you keep making an effort. And if you use the best home workout videos in the universe, there is always a modifier to help you ease into the moves.

4. Mix it up. Do different types of workouts to keep things interesting and to exercise different muscle groups. I can testify that running 5k’s works your legs and lungs differently than when playing basketball. Mix up your cardio to optimize your fitness gains. Also, switch up your weight lifting routine with some killer body weight exercises. You don’t have to reinvent your entire routine every week, but you do want to shift it around a little.

5. Don’t be your own drill sergeant. Half of all people who start a new exercise program ditch it within the first year. It often happens because they can’t keep up the boot-camp pace they’ve forced on themselves. It’s better to work within your limits, and gradually get stronger.

6. Bring a friend. When your inner demons order you to hit the couch instead of the treadmill, a workout partner can steer you back in the right direction. It’s easier to bail out on the gym than on the friend who waits for you there. Studies show you’ll also work out longer when you have a pal along. I like to exercise with my wife and son. We hold each other accountable and it’s something fun to do together.

7. Show the clock who’s boss. Health experts say you should aim for at least 150 minutes of exercise a week (30 minutes a day, five times a week, for example), plus weight training at least twice a week. Can’t find room in your crazy schedule? Take a closer look. If you work too late to get to a gym, keep a set of weights at home. If you can’t do 30 minutes at once, break exercise sessions up into 10- or 15-minute bursts. Trust me on this, you have more time than you think. If exercise is important to you, you will make time for it.

8. Get used to it. Your workout should be just as much a habit as brushing your teeth or eating breakfast. When it’s part of your routine, you won’t even have to think about it. In a few months, fitness can be a regular feature in your day.

9. Live in the present. So what if you missed a week of workouts and polished off a pint of ice cream over the weekend? Leave the guilt in the past. You have a chance to get back into your routine today.

10. Keep it real. You’re not going to skim off 30 pounds in a week. Aim for something that’s realistic as a first step. For instance, increase your workout schedule from 2 to 3 days a week, or exercise for 15 more minutes each time. Baby steps.

11. Track it. Keep a fitness journal or use an app to record your progress — for example, how much you run, walk, or lift and the calories you burn. Progress photos are a great way to measure your progress and remind you where you came from. A good training plan/ calendar will help with this too. Ask me about a plan to suit your needs!

12. Celebrate! It takes weeks to see real changes. Reward yourself with new gear or a sensible treat when you reach progress milestones. Share your results with others, so they can celebrate with you and encourage you to keep up the good work.

SOURCES:Acevedo E. Psychobiology of Physical Activity, Human Kinetics, 2006.CDC: “How much physical activity do adults need?”Ryan, R. International Journal of Sport Psychology, 1997.Matsumoto, H. International Journal of Sport and Health Science, 2004.Dunton, G. Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise, September 2009.U.S. Department of Agriculture.

Fitness

How To Sleep

October 24, 2017June 3, 2020 teamquadzilla

We spend about 1/3 of our life asleep. So why are many of us still so tired?

People are more exhausted today than ever before. Our exhaustion has spawned an entire field of science to study sleep. Believe it or not, you can even hire a sleep coach! Sleep is now a $7 Billion a year industry.

I’m no sleep coach for hire, but I’ve done some research and learned a few things from my own experience that help me to sleep well. Not surprisingly, I learned that we are our own worst enemy when it comes to sleeping well. We are actually doing it all wrong. That’s funny. We can’t even sleep right! Maybe some of the following sleep tips can help you get that elusive restful sleep you desire. Because we should all be good at sleeping!

Pillow(s) – First of all, how old is your pillow? If it is more than a couple years old, you really should replace it. Old pillows are disgusting. I won’t tell you which pillow to buy, but you should get one to match your natural sleep position.

Mattress – Remember, you spend 1/3 of your life on the mattress so you should be comfortable. Good mattresses can be expensive, but they are a worthwhile investment. Plan for a new mattress every 7-10 years despite what the manufacturer says about their durability.

Pajamas – There is some interesting research on this one. Science says that your body goes thru some amazing regenerative processes in sleep. To optimize your comfort, Choose pajama fabrics carefully. For a female perspective, here’s how to know if your bedtime clothing choices are truly helping your body or actually causing one big nightmare. The bottom line is ultimately your personal comfort. Wear whatever makes you feel the most relaxed. If you have trouble sleeping, changing what you normally wear might help.

Keep it cool –Room temperature is an important factor. Various sources suggest keeping the temp between 60-67°F at night to optimize sleep. So save some money on your winter utility bill and turn down the heat overnight.

Darker the better – Your bedroom needs to be dark to optimize sleep. Use blackout shades, dark curtains, blinds, etc. as necessary to ensure your room stays dark while you sleep.

Eyes off the screen – Want to really sabotage your sleep? Keep right on with the TV watching and trolling social media on your electronic devices right before bed. The blue light messes up your sleep sensors. So shut it down 30-60 minutes before bed. Pick up a real book instead. Maybe use this time to talk with your spouse. Don’t get into heavy topics though. Keep it light.

Snack Time – This was a big one for me since I have acid reflux issues. Laying horizontal with a full belly is recipe for lousy sleep. While some argue late night snacks lead to weight gain, it is not always true. It depends what you eat, portion size, etc. For me, cutting off eating & drinking anything about 3 hours before bed works well. So if you have stomach issues at night, or you are trying anything to improve sleep, give this tip a try.

Add some noise – If you find yourself being awakened in the night by outside noises (ugh, blasted train!), I recommend enlisting the help of a fan or some other white noise maker that can run all night. There are even free phone apps with a variety of sounds to suit you. I use the app when I travel, otherwise we have a fan at home that MUST be on to drown out the train.

Exercise – A good workout can help you get great sleep. Your body craves the work and rewards you with good sleep. So get your sweat on for 30 mins a day to improve your fitness and help you sleep.

Stay on schedule – Our bodies love routine. Much like young children, adults function best when there is some routine. So get to bed at the same time every night to optimize your sleep quality. Of course that means you should get up at the same time every day as well. Yep, that includes weekends.

So there you have it. My ten tips to help you sleep better. Surely there are many other tips to great sleep, so comment below to share what works for you.