Tag: freedom

faith, Family, Personal Development

You Are Not A Failure | Letter To My Son

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I’m sharing a series of “letters” originally written by Vince Miller. I regard Vince as a trusted resource for wisdom and insight on faith and family especially as it pertains to men and fathers. His bio is at the bottom of the post. Look him up. What follows is his work entirely. Vince communicates the messages I want my son to hear in a far more clear and concise way than I could ever say. Consider using these as conversation starters. I encourage you to share these letters with the important men in your life.

Failure isn’t fatal, but failure to change might be.

John Wooden

You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.

Johnny Cash

Son, you will fail; this happens. But this does not mean you are a failure. The assumption that “you are a failure” is a powerful and defeating thought that can paralyze a man. It’s a recording that sometimes plays in the mind that men struggle to silence. It’s one of the five powerful voices I believe all men hear (if you remember my previous letter on this subject). I think this is partially because many men falsely believe that to be a man, we must “man-up” by appearing strong, confident, and courageous, even when we feel weak, confused, and lost. This false belief thus devastates men in moments of failure. Which is why when we fail, we sometimes believe we are a failure.

Please note, experiencing failure and feeling the impact is a good thing for all men. The last thing we need is insensitivity to this pain. Appropriate levels of pain, in the form of regret and guilt, are good for all men. And why? Well, because pain is an indication of pending danger. Insensitivity to pain will only lead to callousness and other, more harmful decisions to self and others. Yet, inflicting needless suffering on ourselves by allowing a failure to convince us that we are a failure is also not helpful. While you and I are both sinners, we are redeemed by Christ and given a new identity as sons of God. Your identity is marked permanently not by your failure but by His grace, and your identity is forever changed. Accepting this is sometimes too good to be true, so it’s easy for men to go back to the perpetual failure of the former life and the old yoke of slavery.

..and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

Galatians 5:1

As men, we live in this great tension, and here is how I describe it. First, our former identity is marked entirely by sin. In fact, the Bible calls us “sinners.” Yes, God’s Word is clear; our identities before Christ are marked by perpetual sin. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) So in one sense, and at one time, all men were perpetual failures. We were, (notice the use of the past tense of the verb,) a complete and total failure.

Second, yet we also know that “the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6:23) And this gift results in us having the opportunity to believe in his name, giving us “the right to become children of God.” (John 1:12) Jesus also says, “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:15) So your identity has changed from sinner to son, from failure to friend.

Third, we must choose to live in this new identity as sons and friends. Yet we know, the voice of the past will call to us. In moments of failure, we will be tempted to listen to the voice of the former man and the old identity. It will call to you and say, “I am a failure.” Its call will be compelling and clear because only you will hear its voice within your mind. This voice will present evidence to you from your own life to support your incorrect perceptions. Do not doubt my words, son, the courtroom of your mind will offer a convincing case. And yet, the tension between a former identity and your new identity has a present reality. 

For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

2 Corinthians 5:21

Think about that and ponder on it for a second—you are the “righteousness of God.” Let that set in. That’s your identity. You are not a failure. You are instead a son of righteousness. 

So the next time you fail your response should be to understand the pain, accept it, learn from it, and then before the failure begins to poison your thinking about your identity, bring to mind that Scripture says, you a “son of righteousness” saved by God’s grace. You are not a failure. Do not let that thought preach to you, rather let the truth preach to you. And why should you do this? Because the most important thought about you is not what others think about you, what you think about you, but what God thinks about you. This is the only thought that matters.

As you learn to do this, you will discover something about the fails in your life—that God is up to something. That he is working out something magnificent in you every time you fail. He is teaching you to trust more and more in him. Notice what the apostle Paul says about his perpetual failing.

But [God] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Do you see it? Failure gives way to opportunity—the opportunity to trust less in self and more in God. With failure, we encounter grace, discover perfect power, contentment, and the paradox of strength in weakness. For the man who is strong in himself is not strong; he is only pretending to be strong. Instead, the man who embraces his weakness (through failure) is genuinely strong because he is strong in God.

I love you son. Remember you are not a failure. Dad.

Vince Miller is an author and speaker to men around the world on topics that include manhood, masculinity, fatherhood, mentorship, and leadership. He has authored 18 different books for men and is hosted on major video platforms like RightNow Media and Faithlife TV. He hosts a weekly podcast, writes weekly articles, and provides daily thoughts from God’s Word all just for men. He is a 27-year ministry veteran and the founder of Resolute a Men’s Ministry Platform that provides bible studies aimed at building better men found at www.beresolute.org. See his latest book and small group study Called to Act: 5 Uncomplicated Disciplines for Men.

faith, Personal Development

Live Beyond The Shame | Letter to My Son

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I’m sharing a series of “letters” originally written by Vince Miller. I regard Vince as a trusted resource for wisdom and insight on faith and family especially as it pertains to men and fathers. His bio is at the bottom of the post. Look him up. What follows is his work entirely. Vince communicates the messages I want my son to hear in a far more clear and concise way than I could ever say. Consider using these as conversation starters. I encourage you to share these letters with the important men in your life.

Son, there are points in every man’s life when he feels like he is not good enough. This is common to every man. Most bounce back from these momentary struggles with guilt, shame, and regret, but some will not. Some men will allow the quiet voice of self-criticism to take them to self-hatred and a lingering feeling of disappointment, discouragement, and disapproval that seeks to alter their identity. For some men, this will become paralyzing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

A popular solution for those living in shame is focused self-improvement that strives to boost self-esteem. Coaching in this manner seeks to improve skills, competencies, mindsets, attitudes, perseverance, and endurance with the hope of seeing worth in yourself that dig you out of your self-criticism. But as you will learn, this is an insufficient solution. If this solution were sufficient for men, there would be no one living in perpetual and private shame. Yet men still do. And solutions of this sort ignore the fact that shame is rooted in a spiritual problem, needs a spiritual solution, and a renewed spiritual reality that is not manufactured merely by our mind.

So if you are dealing with shame, here is what you need to know about shame and how to live shamelessly.

There Was A Time Before Shame

And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:25

Can you imagine this utopia? A time before shame? 

It must have been a beautiful state of freedom. Yet not long after this moment, sin came and shame and then a lot of blame. And ever since the fall of man, the same cycle continues. Sin, then shame, and then blame.

But can we attain what was lost in the garden?

The answer is yes, but we have to understand where shame gets its power.

Shame’s Power Comes From Sin

We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.

Romans 6:6

There is nothing more the Accuser, that’s Satan, would love than for a redeemed man to live in a state of self-criticism rather than in God’s true joy and freedom. 

“We know,” the writer confidently states, but do men act as they know when they live in self-criticism and shame? 

We might say we know, but if we don’t also behave and believe as we know, then do we know? And what is it that we should know—that we were crucified—notice the use of the past tense. This infers that the spiritual penance paid by Christ on the cross was good enough, even though we were not. His penance in the past alters our present state. This crucifixion nailed our body of sin, freeing us from the slavery of sin. If this is the case, then why do so many men act and believe they are enslaved? Why do we choose to believe our sin enslaves us when the present reality is so different?

This is where shame gets its power. It convinces redeemed men that God’s gift on the cross was not enough. It convinces redeemed men that they are never going to be enough. In our disbelief of God and his act on the cross, we choose to believe more in the voice of shame. No longer does the cross have power, but rather our shame.

But here is the truth.

You Are Not Put To Shame

For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.”

Romans 10:11

Sin and shame have no power over the regenerate believer. If Scripture is true—then shame was put off not put on. And while we did formerly live in a perpetual state of sin and thus shame, this is no longer the case. While as men, we occasionally sin, this is vastly different from the life of sin we once lived. Our spiritual state is changed, and we as men will spend the rest of our lives, realizing, understanding, and knowing this renewed state. Thus scripture is needed desperately to retrain a mind that believes the past more than the present. Our old ways, attitudes, and beliefs tend to persuade us to believe in old beliefs and belief systems. While some guilt and regret are good in moments of sin, they should drive us toward reconciliation and restoration, not to a state of shame that paralyzes us.

Our Present Reality Is Saved Not Shamed

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

Galatians 2:20

The truth of these words are power to a man who lives in shame. The writer proclaims, “It is no longer I who live.” And this is not positive self-talk aimed at boosting a man’s self-esteem. It is embracing a belief in a new spiritual reality. Remember, self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth is merely human effort that is futile. The death and resurrection of Christ for mankind’s sin is not human effort—it’s divine salvation from the futile attempts of human effort. It is the redemption of sin that breaks the bondage of sin and the cycle of shame and blame.

Christ’s sacrifice was enough, but now we have a choice—to believe in Christ who lives within us or believe in the shame that so easily imprisons us.

If you are a follower of Christ, live free from shame, enjoy your freedom, and find joy in Christ’s life. Why live in self-condemnation, as a man set free? Don’t condemn yourself—God doesn’t when you are in Christ.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1

I love you son, Dad.

Vince Miller is an author and speaker to men around the world on topics that include manhood, masculinity, fatherhood, mentorship, and leadership. He has authored 18 different books for men and is hosted on major video platforms like RightNow Media and Faithlife TV. He hosts a weekly podcast, writes weekly articles, and provides daily thoughts from God’s Word all just for men. He is a 27-year ministry veteran and the founder of Resolute a Men’s Ministry Platform that provides bible studies aimed at building better men found at www.beresolute.org. See his latest study Men & Marriage: Overcoming 6 Unspoken Tensions.

faith, Fortitude

Why Forgiveness Is So Hard

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Much has been written about forgiveness. It is scary and difficult, yet necessary and liberating if we are to be our healthy best. It seems very common and easy to hate, to resent, to withhold favor from another because of past wrongs, especially when some past wrongs feel “unforgivable.” We know that it is healthy to forgive, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Have you ever thought about hate, resentment, bitterness, or withholding favor being a heavy burden that YOU carry around? As you read these 4 ways that forgiveness is hard, I hope you will find encouragement to really forgive. Note: I get regular emails from Dr. Raymond Force who writes and counsels on relationships. Below are his words on this important topic.

There are a number of reasons as to why forgiveness is hard, especially when it comes to marriage. Here are five reasons that should help to shed a little more light on why we tend to struggle with forgiveness.

Forgiveness Defies Logic
 
Logic says that if you hurt me, then I am going to hurt you back. Or, if you have harmed me, then you will never have an opportunity to do that again.
Forgiveness, on the other hand, says if you hurt me, then I will love you. If you have harmed me, then I will take the risk of loving you again even though you may not love me back.

Forgiveness Goes Against Our Natural Bent
 
I am the father of seven children. Believe you me when I say that human beings must be taught to forgive those that have harmed them.
In Romans 3, Paul gives God’s description of mankind. It is not a pretty picture, and it accentuates the fact that peace-making is not something that comes natural for us.
In Romans 3:17, Paul, in reference to man, says, “And the way of peace have they not known:”. In short, he is stating that we do not naturally have very good conflict resolution skills. And, if you need proof of that, just sign your child up for Little League baseball. You will quickly see that what God said about us in Romans 3 is more than accurate.

Forgiveness Makes Us Feel As If We Are Appearing Weak To Others
 
Though forgiveness makes us feel like others are looking upon us as weak-minded, I believe the opposite is true. In fact, I have found that I always maintain a sense of influence and even power when I possess a spirit of forgiveness. I also find that people are quite mesmerized when they see a truly forgiving spirit, and they usually end up respecting the forgiver all the more.


 
“Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.“

Romans 12:20-21

I love the expression used in verse 20. Paul tells us that when we love those that despise us, we heap coals of fire upon their head. I have always taken that to mean that as we show love toward those that have harmed us, they will often feel a fire of shame and remorse burning within themselves. In my book, that’s not exhibiting weakness as much as procuring strength.

Forgiveness Requires Risk
 
When Jesus taught that we are to turn the other cheek in Matthew 5:39 and Luke 6:29, I believe he was teaching us that love requires risk. In other words, there is always a certain risk that we take when loving others in that, when we love, we put ourselves in a position to be disappointed, taken for granted, or rejected.
When others harm us, the temptation is to pull back so as to guard ourselves from any further pain or disappointment. Though protection is especially necessary in an abusive relationship (Matthew 7:6), in more normative situations, Christ commands us to react differently. According to His teachings, our duty is to turn the other cheek by loving someone even if it means that they could hurt us once more. This is always the difficult obstacle to overcome when contemplating forgiveness. So how can we forgive like that, and why should we? Stay tuned. We’ll address that in a separate article.