marriage – Team Quadzilla

Fortitude, mental fitness, Personal Development

2023 Team Quadzilla Book List

January 3, 2024 teamquadzilla

Another year of excellent reading materials consumed by yours truly. You might know that I summarize what I’ve read over the year so I can remember. If my notes encourage you to read these books, I’d love to hear your thoughts on them.

OOOOOH, Quadzilla Book Club… ??

Anyway, in last year’s book summary I confessed a new strategy for my reading habits. This year I purposely read even FEWER books than I have in a LONG time. But these were so good for me. I highly recommend all these books be read slowly, properly digested, and ultimately applied to your life. That was my aim, because while I appreciate the value of reading for entertainment, I prefer to learn something that I can apply to my life hopefully making me a better husband, dad, leader, man, and Jesus follower. Here’s what I read.

If Only He Knew – Gary Smalley

Angie gave me this book, lol. Evidently I need it. So I read it. And it surprised me, a lot. People generally are not great at relationships because we tend to assume that other’s needs, expectations, and preferences are the same as ours – or at least they should be. I’m surely guilty of this and it makes close relationships like marriage more difficult. Thankfully there are valuable resources like this one to help men in particular navigate the mystery that is their spouse.

Friend, if you are involved in relationships and you fancy yourself as one who pursues personal growth and development, then you need to invest energy in learning how to love well – especially if you are married. This book can help. With chapter titles like: How to Drive Your Wife Away Without Even Trying; If Your Wife Doesn’t Win First Place, You Lose!; What No Woman Can Resist; and A Successful Marriage…It’s Easier Than You Think, I promise you will learn something(s) that you can apply to your marriage today. Highly recommend.

Atomic Habits – James Clear

I finally got around to reading one of the most popular books on human behavior and personal growth. I read it, then immediately started over and read it again. Each chapter is rich with helpful advice about simplifying my personal growth journey with tiny changes to how I think, how I function in ordinary routines, and how to build good habits that last. It’s a bit academic (backed by research) but in a way anyone can understand – even me, so it’s not like the author is making this up or preaching some kind of mystical mumbo-jumbo new age baloney. Honestly, most of it is common sense once you read it, but the simplicity of it is what makes for numerous “ah-ha” moments. You can build healthy habits that will literally automate much of your lifestyle which will make your personal performance and satisfaction in life greatly increase.

Don’t Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table – Louie Giglio

The small group of couples Angie & I meet with for bible study chose this book to help us understand the deeper meaning of Psalm 23. You may recognize this Psalm as it is often read at funerals, (though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…) but there is so much more to this text that is meant to help us understand the inevitable trouble in this life.

The enemy, of course, is the devil. He is the enemy for every human. The devil seeks to steal, kill, and destroy us and he very often starts with our mind. As you’ve heard me say many times, the real battle is in our mind – between our ears. It’s an unseen battle, and it rages all around us all the time.

Ever thought to yourself I’m not good enough…Everybody is against me… I’m not going to make it… I deserve what they have? Those thought come from the enemy trying to lie his way to your mind and control your life.

I found this book especially helpful to understand the deeper meaning of Psalm 23 to help me break free from my destructive thinking, stop believing the lies I tell myself, and quit living in shame, insecurity, and temptation. I can see more clearly the purpose behind the challenging times in my life. It’s liberating!

The Meaning of Marriage – Timothy Keller

This is my 3rd time through this book since 2018. It is so good. Possibly the best book on marriage I have read – and I’ve read many. It’s so good that I have purchased several copies to give away. Regardless of your stage of life or marriage, you can benefit from the principles in this book. Here are a few of the many passages I’ve highlighted in my copy.

“Nothing can mature character like marriage. ”
pg 17

“Therefore, the moment you marry someone, you and your spouse begin to change in profound ways, and you can’t know ahead of time what those changes will be. So you don’t know, you can’t know, who your spouse will actually be in the future until you get there….Over the years you will go through seasons in which you have to learn to love a person whom you didn’t marry, who is something of a stranger. You will have to make changes that you don’t want to make, and so will your spouse.”
pg 33

“Do for your spouse what God did for you in Jesus, and the rest will follow.”
pg 43

“If two spouses each say, “I’m going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage,” you have the prospect of a truly great marriage.”
pg 64

“It is a mistake to think that you must feel love to give it.”
pg 105

“So if we want to be happy in marriage, we will accept that marriage is designed to make us holy.”
pg 146

“Marriage does not so much bring you into confrontation with your spouse as confront you with yourself. Marriage shows you a realistic, unflattering picture of who you are and then takes you by the scruff of the neck and forces you to pay attention to it.”
pg 154

“We must communicate love in the way our spouse needs it.”
pg 171

“Each partner in marriage is to be most concerned not with getting sexual pleasure but with giving it.”
pg 267

I have benefitted greatly from slowing down to savor a few good reads this year. My plan will be the same for 2024. What books did you read that were impactful to you? Let me know so I can add them to my list.

Family

Great Marriage Or A Great Wife?

September 6, 2023August 30, 2023 teamquadzilla

My wife and I could destroy one another if we wanted to. Yep, that’s exactly what I said. Even though I am a marriage coach, author of a marriage book, marriage speaker, and a pastor, we could easily focus on the past, nitpick our idiosyncrasies, and wake up each morning with a load of case files against the other. However, there are a few aspects about our marriage that keep us from doing so.

A lack of forgiveness toward one another would be hypocritical

Ephesians tells us to forgive one another “just as in Christ God forgave you”. If we desire forgiveness from God yet are unwilling to forgive one another, then we are hypocritical at best.

I probably have a great wife rather than a great marriage

To be honest, I am a high maintenance husband. I know many would think differently after reading my marriage book or hearing me speak on marriage, but, if the truth be told, we probably have a great marriage more because she is a great wife rather than the other way around.

Of course, my wife stands her ground with a quiet strength, and we are never to abuse the fact that the other is a forgiving person. But, at the end of the day, I am certain that we have a better marriage more because our love covers our sins rather than fills the other’s cup.

I know some would like to think that we have a great marriage because we meet a certain ideal or standard in the other’s eyes, but we are frail at best. That is, my wife and I are sometimes short with one another, we both say things we shouldn’t, and we sometimes overlook the other person’s needs. However, we have found that good lovers are great lovers, and to look for something other than that would mean that we are already in Heaven.

We live our problems out

We believe in communication, and, for some couples, conversation is all-important. But, in our case, actions speak way louder than words. In fact, early in marriage, the more we tried to clarify our points, the worse our conversation went. For us, the greater need was to build up a bank account of credibility through our actions which always paved the way for smoother communication. We deal with this in chapter 4 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.

We have a realistic view of marriage

I have never heard music playing in the background when my wife walks into a room. Problems are rarely solved in 90 minutes or less. Many a time, our heads spin not out of elation for one another, but out of frustration. But, at the end of the day, we are together, hand in hand, and closer because of our problems rather than in spite of them.

My wife and I are not just lovers, we are fighters in a common Holy War. Sometimes, we win. On many occasions, we feel a sense of loss. Some call this drudgery. We call it reality. God calls it marriage.

Order our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.

Entire article written by: Dr. Raymond Force currently serves as a pastor of the Crossroads Bible Church in Ocala, FL which is a Biblically based church in the Central Florida area. Having served in a number of churches throughout his ministry, Dr. Force pulls from his experience as a pastor and a youth pastor to help others to overcome difficulties in their lives and relationships. You can order his marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another from his website at https://hittinghomeordermaterials.com/storefront

Family

Bad Marriage or Just a Faulty Belief System in the Marriage?

August 30, 2023August 15, 2023 teamquadzilla

You may think that you are just an impatient spouse. However, it could be that impatience is only a secondary issue. Your real problem may lie in other areas.

A Futile Approach

Many feel that the answer for their marriage problems is to just work harder at showing more patience. I actually find this to be a rather futile approach.

It is like someone that is trying to lose weight simply working at staying away from food. It hardly ever works. The real need is to change their outlook on food and themselves. Once this occurs, they will have an easier time losing weight. I should know. I took off about 30 pounds last year.

In the same manner, the problem with many is not a lack of patience as much as a lack of understanding as to what works in a relationship. That is, many have a faulty belief system about marriage that leads to a dead end path of anger, fighting, and hurt feelings. The real problem is not so much the anger they feel at the end of this dead end path as much as it is the path they chose in the first place.

Most people are actually fairly patient with their belief system until they see that it fails. Once they see it fail over and over again, they succumb to their last resort: anger, frustration, or apathy.

Below are a few faulty belief systems that often prevail in people’s minds and hearts in regards to marriage and relationships:

Believing that Knowledge Alone is Enough

I hear spouses say all the time, “I know what to do. I just need to do it.” Maybe what they should really be saying is, “I know what to do. I just lack the power to do it.”

In our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, I wrote:

Herein, by the way, lies the fundamental difference between psychology and true Christianity: psychology can sometimes tell you the right things to do, but only Christianity can give you the power to put those things into practice.
-Dr. Force

As a man or a woman, maybe you should give up on will-power as few seem to be able to master it. Maybe you should try the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit (Psalm 34:8).

Without the Holy Spirit, your marriage is a car without an engine, and you will find that you can only push it so far. At some point, you will either give up, give in, or start using some faulty type of fuel that will do more harm than good in the long run.

Your breath is already in God’s hands (Job 12:10), He gives you your every morsel of food (Acts 14:17), God is acquainted with every hair on your head (Matthew 10:30), and He made every ounce of you (Psalm 139:14). That being the case, you might as well give Him your heart and submit your behavior to His will. Without Him, your marriage will always be incomplete in some form or fashion.

Failing to Realize that Your Spouse is a Spirit Being

If you are going to affect your spouse for good, then you will have to affect their spirit above all else.

We are not body, soul, and then spirit. We are spirit, soul, and, last of all, body.

Check out I Thessalonians 5:23. When God lists the 3 parts of man, He states that we are spirit, soul, and then body. This is because your physical body is simply a house or a dwelling place (II Corinthians 5:1). The real you is your spirit and soul.

Proverbs 18:19 tells us that the entry point into a person’s being is their spirit. That is, once someone’s spirit is closed, the rest of their being is closed also. Consequently, if a husband or a wife has tried ever so hard to get their point across without opening their spouse’s spirit, then they will eventually become extremely frustrated. This is because we can never expect to reach someone’s mind without first opening their spirit.

We cover this in detail in chapter 4 of our marriage book. In fact, it is one of our main teachings that is saving marriages through our coaching services and resources.

Self-Centered Intentions

I find that Americans are increasingly struggling with adulthood. In fact, it seems that a good many of us really do not like being adults.

A major part of adulthood is serving others without expecting anything in return. It just comes with the territory.

I find that using people, acts of kindness, or even scriptural teachings as an end to our own means is utterly childlike. Furthermore, your spouse is probably the greatest psychologist you know, and if you wonder why they do not do backflips because you made them breakfast or showed them affection, it could be that they feel you are keeping score.

If your spouse views everything you do as a way to get to the bedroom or their wallet, they will resist even the kindest acts. To put it bluntly, you will be too stuck on yourself to see that your spirit of expectancy pushes them further away than your works pull them toward you.

Family

You Only Live Forever – How This Affects Marriage

August 23, 2023August 14, 2023 teamquadzilla

I often hear from spouses in troubled marriages say things like, “You only live once. If I don’t jump ship now. How much time will I have to start all over and enjoy a good marriage.”

The problem, however, is that, if we are in Christ, the premise to the aforementioned logic is skewed at best. In fact, I have a different take on life. That is, because I am going to live forever in Christ, I can actually find the strength and the perspective to do any or all of the following:

I Can Patiently Endure Sufferings

Love is painful at times. In fact, I would even take that a little further and say that until we stretch, sacrifice, or even hurt for the cause of a relationship, have we really shown that we are able to love someone in a Biblical fashion? Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he said,

“

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”
John 15:13

Jesus also said in Matthew 5:46, “. . . if you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?” In other words, anyone can be nice when others are nice toward them. However, Christian love moves beyond simply liking those that like us. Christian love is measured by our ability to love even when it hurts our heart to do so.

I Can Better Deal With Imperfections Around Me

Because I have believed on Christ, the best is always yet to come. However, if you feel that this measly 70 years is all there is to life, then you will have to extract absolutely everything you can out of this life in order to have some level of satisfaction in your spirit.

Though I believe in working as hard as I can in my marriage, ministry, and businesses, nothing in this world will compare to the glory in the next. (Romans 8:18) Consequently, at little imperfection here and a little there is not as big of a deal as it would be to someone that only sees life through the lens of time.

Problems Look Smaller

Have you ever considered the substance of many of your arguments with your spouse? May I ask a question? What are the subject matters of your arguments with your spouse going to matter 1,000,000 years from now if you have believed on Christ?

No further explanation needed.

God Has My Back

If someone does me wrong in my family, I don’t have to retaliate. God has my back.

I love Romans 8:33. It states:

Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. -Romans 8:33

Simply put, I don’t have to defend, triangulate, over-explain, et cetera. Truth rises to the surface either now or in eternity, but, rest assured, the God of Heaven will reward rightly.

Family

What Does A Healthy Marriage Look Like?

August 16, 2023August 14, 2023 teamquadzilla

A healthy marriage has tension. But, this does not mean that the divorce word is thrown around every time there is a time as such.

A good relationship still requires forgiveness and involves emotional pain. Yes, this is what it looks like to live in harmony.

Spouses that find themselves in favor with God and one another have days when their spirits fail to connect. Spouses in such a state will do well to go to bed in faith knowing that a new day often provides a new fresh approach to God and one another. Yes, this is what it looks like.

Sometimes, busyness causes couples to grow apart, and a conscious effort has to be made to adjust the schedule and take oversight. This is what a good relationship looks like.

There are times when feelings from the past will rise to the surface, and a couple has to learn to act according to principle rather than the emotions of the present in order to cause those feelings to subside. This is normal. We have a flesh and a spirit, and just because those feelings are sometimes present does not mean that all is lost. It means that the scriptures are more than accurate when they state that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

It may be possible that your marriage is what I call imperfectly normal, and as you continue your quest toward a more unified relationship, accept that we are not in heaven yet. We are still very imperfect beings that can enjoy a good marriage by showing perfect forgiveness toward one another.

Some may want a little more than I am offering. However, be sure not to look for something in life that does not exist. You will waste away your life passing up the good while looking for something that is great, not realizing that good is great until we enter into a state of perfection.